hey this is my first post…… itll be a long one….. i dont expect anyone to read it or care but idk what to do anymore…….
my girlfriend and i were meant for each other, it seemed we were perfect for each other. we both had/ have problems (depression, anxiety, etc. all the fun stuff) but we always helped each other. it all started ten months ago, and it grew fantastically. weve done everything together……. we loved each other for what seemed like forever and would always be forever……. and then school started up again….. (first let me say that she also kinda has ptsd from when people bullied her at her old school)
everything seemed alright for a couple weeks…… but she was starting to get more distant……. one friday afternoon she broke down a couple minutes before i had to get on the bus to go home…. she started crying because the bus scared her, it was the ptsd i mentioned earlier…… but i couldnt stay after… if i had stayed after my dad wouldve beat me and we wouldnt have been able to see each other for a month or more, but if i went home id be able to hang out with her on sunday, two days away……
i went home….. i fucked up i shouldve stayed……. i didnt go home because i was afraid of being beat, i honestly dont care. i went home because we both hated being apart from each other, cause we loved each other, and it made us feel worse…….. i shouldve stayed after with her……. i couldve brought her home with me and hidden it from my parents somehow……. but i panicked in the moment and fucked up, i royally fucked up…….. before i went to the bus i at least made her promise to be safe, that she wouldnt hurt herself…….. a guy, a friend of hers, saw her and talked to her before her mom came to pick her up
so sunday, we went to the mall and hung out. honestly it was a great day for both of us, we were a lot happier than usual. at one point we just sat in the mall cafeteria and talked, and of course we talked about what happened friday….. she said it was ok even though i know it wasnt…… but we still were v much in love and happy with each other….. we had an amazing day…..
until friday, five days later, she told me we need to “take a break”….. i was v v confused and of course i started panicking……. i questioned everything, i tried to find out why….. but no answers…… she just said “i need a couple days to get shit straight. im v v stressed and i just need to figure it out.” i told her to explain what was stressing her out but she never answered….. obviously it was because im part of the problem….
she had stayed after school that friday, and afterwards went with her friends, the theatre people (she was in theatre), and they had a bonfire….. she ended up staying out late and having a great time, and she was of course being distant cause we were on break….. but we still talked some and all she would ever talk about was that other guy, he was in theatre, the one who stayed with her the friday she felt bad…….. so i got suspicious……
the next day, saturday, she had theatre the whole day….. so i wasnt able to talk to her much….. till around 3….. and she told me her grandfather passed away….. i tried to talk to her about it but she wouldnt answer, she seemed mad and upset at me, so being suspicious i checked instagram. i was signed into her account because she let me, she allowed me to read her messages….. and she was talking to that guy instead of me, talking about getting with him and asking him how he felt about her…… i found a message from the night before that said,”i really like you, ill figure out what to do about him”….. she was talking about figuring out what to do with me…….
so i thought she was lying about her grandfather and just trying to leave me…. i asked her wtf is going on and she got even mire pissed at me and told me to fuck off and changed her instagram password….. her grandfather had actually passed away, but what i didnt understand was how she was asking another guy about how he felt about her when that had just happened…… i really do feel bad about her grandfather, i really liked him he was always so nice…… but she ignired me the rest of the night and i kept trying to tesxt her and call her but around 9 that night she changed her number so i hsd no way to talk to her….. i left her alone because i didnt have a choice and eventually fell asleep……….
the next day she messaged me on instagram asking if i was still here…. still alive…. so i answered and she just said”good cause id feel bad if i caused your death”…… not “id feel bad about losing you, because i love you”…… i tried talking to her some after that but we didnt talk much that day……..
tuesday she officially left me…… she told me that she cant deal with the stress of a relationship…….. she told me there was a 90% chance i would be with her in the future….. how long? after how many people? last night i talked to her some and i asked her if the 90% thing was true and the other questions and she said idk….. i asked her why she wont give me another chance or why she hates me so much….. she sent a message saying she was tired of dealing with me and trying to help me if i wouldnt listen…. even though when i helped her she didnt really listen at all…… she wouldnt be here rn if it wasnt for me and i wouldnt be here rn if it wasnt for her…… and i did listen, im not perfect but i did try and now compared to ten months ago im quite a bit better…… except rn….. and the best part……. SHE SAID SHES TALKING TO SOMEONE RN…… she said she didnt want a relationship, but shes still talking to someone…. and big surprise, its that same guy……
now i dont know what to do….. she was my life and reason for living….. i had nothing else, and now shes gone…… i truly have nothing…… im lost…… i think im going to kill myself soon……. please help……
4 comments
I’m in the same boat you’re in. Honestly just give it time, and if nothing changes then do what you have to do to feel better. Honestly if its just 1 situation, and the other areas of your life are fine, then that’s no reason to off yourself. I’ve though about suicide since I was 13. I’m 29 now. The breakup I had, broke me. But I told myself to give it 1 year. All areas in my life are falling apart too and NOTHING has changed. So 1 year is coming up soon and I actually feel calm and can’t wait to do it with peace.
If you do it now, youll regret it because you just need more time to pass. Believe me, I understand the gnawing emptiness that’s eating at your heart. The sleepiness nights and terrible anxiety of losing your partner without closure. You feel like a ghost. Just give it time and things might change. If it doesn’t and all areas in your life are broken, then keep that promise to yourself that you can finally leave. Offing yourself now will leave you with regrets and no peace as you try to do it. Plus you’ll increase your survival rate by making a mistake with a suicide method when you think hastily and desperately. Suicide should happen when you are calm, have researched thoroughly to ensure no survival and have no loose ends. It should be a peaceful decision.
Give yourself lots of time and then act. I hope you find peace. Please keep us posted if things change or just to vent. I read a lot of posts but don’t comment a lot. So if I do that, other people must do that too. So just post things you wanna talk about and people will read it, and don’t feel like your words are nothing. I’m sure plenty of people have read this and thought “yup that’s so me”. So out of anyplace, we understand 😉
You shouldn’t kill yourself bcz of something like that , iundrestand ur depressed right now , u love her too much i undrestand but maybe it will be all better sure it gonna hurt for while it depends on you how much u gonna let it hurt you . Honestly i don’t think she loved you for real . you gonna find someone else u gonna feel that love and happiness again but right now u r so fucking hurt i know so let it be but jjust don’t kill yourself and be patient if u can
This reminds me very much of my youth. Almost every man has a “first love” that can leave a massive wound in their heart for quite a while. It is a major event event for those that have this experience, and how a man deals with this experience will most likely affect his behavior for the rest of his life. The pain of a broken heart can lead to much negativity within a person. For now, I can only offer some advice that helped me, but I will try to think of some other solutions to this as well. My advice may be to simple though, it is to try to just appreciate that it ever happened, that the universe gave you the experiences you had with her, and to try to enter the next phase of your life with anticipation of what is to come. My next advice is for future relationships, and that is until you are 100% certain that you and your future girlfriend are in love, which really does take a long time to understand, you must keep some degree of independence in your relationships so if someone leaves again they do not take your heart with them. This is not to be emotionally closed off, but to avoid full emotional investment and attachment until it is right to do so. To be able to do this though you must forgive yourself and your “first love” and move forward with life. Otherwise you will be emotionally closed off. I know what your going through though, to me this was the hardest experience of my life, but it taught me so much that I am very grateful for it now. And believe me, the pain you feel is only temporary, but how long it will last I cannot say. Keep reflecting on the idea of love friend, and you will figure out the answers to your problems.
i do appreciate it….. i really do….. all the experiences, both good and bad…… except for this…… i dont have any anticipation, idk what to expect….. it was supposed to be us and now its just me…… without her, idk what to do…… she was my reason for living…..
update: yesterday during school i walked her to her last class because i could tell she was feeling bad and she held my hand and talked to me….. we held hands while i walked her to class and she explained what was wrong….. and she told me she loved me and of course i told her i love her but i was so confused….. later that day i texted her and asked her and she said she felt bad about holding my hand…… she says she still loves me, but rn im just her best friend……