Kathy’s Silent Cry for Help!

Hello,                            9-14-2016

I am submitting a true story about my childhood and attempted suicide at 10 years old with hopes that my experiences may encourage open communication regarding this painful topic for parents, youngsters, and professionals. Please, we must try to prevent children and teens from feeling a need to end their lives. I hope that I may be able to help even one child, teen, or adult from feeling so alone having had such a traumatic childhood, and to help them realize that if they get help they will certainly smile again.?? Please, we MUST help those people who may be struggling to find a reason to hold onto to a thread of life. ?

I was a social worker for 12 years providing services to families and teen parents and also as a Special Education teacher working with detained juvenile boys and girls in separate programs. It was a constant source of pain to learn about the increased numbers of young people attempting to end their lives and some sadly succeeding in suicides, especially heart-breaking when the youth were familiar! I have used a pseudonym, Kathy, for myself in the story because my brothers and my mother are not comfortable with sharing our.
Here is my story:

Kathy’s Silent Cry For Help!

Kathy was a ten year old girl who lived with her parents and three younger brothers in a middle class neighborhood, but their home was a haunted one. Unfortunately, the house had a father ghost, but this one was still alive, a sick and frightening presence for all of the family. He was supposed to be an everyday husband and father, but everyone avoided eye contact with the big man with the face of a devil who moved around like a monster! Kathy and her young brothers honestly believed their father could read all of their thoughts because he had convinced, practically brainwashed the children into believing he had such powers.

Kathy’s father was an extremely sick and dangerous man who had been legally diagnosed by several medical professionals to have paranoid schizophrenia AND manic depression (as it was still called at the time.) He thought the neighbors were talking about him and in many cases they were because of his “wild behaviors.” The Father would walk around the neighborhood with toilet paper rolls attached to his hat. He searched for anyone in his path that he could harass. Father Monster also believed his family was trying to poison him by putting something lethal into his medication. He also suffered from epilepsy and this infuriated him, but in his distorted thinking this gave him a perfect excuse for his abusive behavior. He refused to take any responsibility for hurting his children and usually told them as they were being outrageously punished that it “was Mother’s fault!!” This was never the case at all!

As a result of his fear of possibly being poisoned, he began to skip doses of his medication resulting in increased paranoia, erratic behaviors, and cruel punishments for Kathy and her brothers. Often punished for innocent “kid stuff” his forms of punishment were close to being torturous! The children cried and cried, but never let the Monster father see their pain fearing more hurt would follow.

Father had major delusions of grandeur, and it may seem that there is aa spouting of psychiatric “mumbo jumbo” but in all truth, during Kathy’s adult years as a counselor and Special Education Teacher she sadly learn about abnormal psychology and terms related to Father’ behavior.

The Monster was often busy writing letters to the president of the U.S. and to CEO’s of major corporations, always giving them his advice about running the government and their companies. Father truly believed these people would value his input and write back to him promptly. He spent many days scribbling all over the kitchen walls, but his writings usually only made sense to him…what a mess! The children would continue to cry, but no one would dare to wash any of the craziness off if the wall…they feared death or worse! How their stomachs churned as they sat down to eat a meal in this room, waiting to have the table tipped upside down at any moment. No one knew what would anger the Father and what his reaction would be that night.

This monster could never keep a job because he would always argue with his employers and “act out” often causing a need for police to become involved. Many adults were also afraid of this 6 foot 2 inch monster with the face of EVIL! His employment was always short-lived. As a result, the family was poor and the children were made to wear old worn out sneakers picked up at the Salvation Army…and eat canned Spam meat from the Welfare made into as many different meals as possible! Old sneakers and government food were easier to live with than the constant fear of the Father’s “crazy” punishments.

Kathy and her brothers lived in fear every day because no one knew what would set off the Monster! For example, Kathy wasn’t feeling well after school one day and was teary-eyed as she entered the house. She was immediately slapped across the face and punished for not wearing a smile!. Father would often cut all of his children’s hair so short that they were laughed at by their friends. Kathy sat and sobbed as he gave her sort of a pixie cut when all other girls were wearing long hair. Her crying angered him even more. Monster buzz-cut her brothers’ hair so short when other boys wore their hair a little longer at that time.
If the children showed any sadness or tears for the terrible haircuts, he would then punish them for that display of negative emotion. Several times he forced them to spend hours sorting out huge piles of screws, nuts, and bolts while sitting on the cold concrete basement floor. On several occasions the children were up until all hours of the night only to have to get up exhausted for school.

Kathy and her brothers talked about what they could do….they had no answer because “remember the Monster could read their minds”‘ and they were so frightened ALL OF THE TIME! Mother couldn’t help….so sad! When all of the pieces in the basement were sorted, Monster would dump them out to mix them all up again! Kathy and her brothers thought “We could run away…well no, guess we better not because he will kill us for sure!”

Father’s punishments were so ‘cruel and unusual’ that the children were too petrified to share any information about the abuse with school staff. They knew they were all alone! Monster would tip over the children’s beds and dressers, throw their clothes in a pile outside in the snow….he would purposely break favorite possessions and of course, God help them if they cried just because he smashed another television! ? Father seemed to enjoy kicking in the front of most of the family’s TV’s, as if it gave him some sick pleasure! Again, no one dared to look sad, frightened or show tears.

Since Kathy was the oldest sibling she was forced to watch one of her brothers being struck repeatedly because he had trouble learning how to ride a 2 wheeled bike for the first time…who doesn’t have such problems? She was 10 years old at the time. Her brother was crying as he tried to keep the bike up and fell, was hit, tried again and fell, and was hit again. His crying ripped her heart out and made her want to kill the Monster! She was so young, but her mind was filled with horrible nightmares and sleepless nights during her young life. In her 10 year old dreams ha tried to murder the Monster in so many ways. That day watching her brother’s pain, Kathy felt she could take no more. She climbed up and looked in the medication cabinet, quickly swallowed 12 Tylenol pills and went to her bed, hoping all the pain would soon be gone forever. Poor little 10 year old….so sad that her life was so frightening and painful that she wished for it to end….?.

She felt so sad when she awoke later, and much to Kathy’s surprise, she was ok, just nauseous. She really wished she hadn’t woken up to live again in this house of horrors! What a horrible feeling to hate being alive!

A few years later Kathy was forced to go “on dates” with the Monster father! Kathy was shocked and wondered WHY she was getting dressed up to go to one of her father’s company parties. She wanted to say no…she felt so disgusting and close to vomiting! How could this be right? Why does she have to go with the Monster? It is supposed to be her mother, not her..she was only a child! At the parties everyone stared at her as she was forced to dance with HIM! Kathy tried not to look at the people and wished for the night to be over soon! She was also forced to go out for many coffee or lunch “meetings” and again repeatedly felt so physically ill each time. ?

There were so many other forms of punishment and humiliation that the children endured living in that haunted house with the Monster father! Fortunately today they are all loving, compassionate and extremely hard-working adults/ parents with families. Sadly they all still bear so many mental scars, in the forms of anxiety and depression, and PTSD. Thankfuly seeking professional help has proven to have positive effects for all! ?

It would take many more pages to describe everything the Monster did to his innocent children.. Kathy thought ” maybe someday my brothers and I will write a book about the pain and be very proud we had the strength to endure so much abuse and still be here to talk about it! They all hoped their story would help others open up about their own traumatic childhoods in order to begin a long overdue healing process. Kathy and her brothers agree that even as adults much more healing is necessary to continue living somewhat “normal” happy, peaceful lives. (then again, what is NORMAL…really?)

Kathy is 62 years old and has been in therapy for about 20 years and is still on medication for panic disorder and clinical depression. She continues to suffer from low self-esteem even to this day, so Kathy definitely plans to continue cognitive therapy and medication. Some days are easier than others, but Kathy continues to have occasional nightmares about killing the “Monster Father!” Although he passed away, he seems to live on in her mind.

Unfortunately, as an adult she has been hospitalized in psychiatric wards three times for intense and real suicidal thoughts. In her 20 years of therapy, Kathy has worked with at least four different professionals, some with whom she felt comfortable, but also some with whom she was unable to relate to at all. It has been a long road of ups and downs, with many days that rendered her unable to leave her bed, but Kathy tries to hold on…..one day at a time.

Her recent painful fight with Ovarian cancer and long months of chemotherapy, luckily Kathy had strong support from her wonderful and loving daughter and son-in-law. Her three year old granddaughter has been a miracle in giveng her life NEW meaning, so whenever she feels she is slipping into that dark place again, Kathy is thankful she beat cancer (so far), always spends time with her daughter, and loves her “sweetie pie.” Thank you my girls! ????

Thank you for taking time to read our story! Kathy and the boys! ?