made peace with my feeling

You sound much like me in my situation. I keep talking to people, online and otherwise (not to professionals, as I can’t really talk specifics with them without having a slew of other problems start up), just hoping that they give me a new perspective that I have not already considered. I am someone that has strong views and beliefs, especially in the area of life/future or a lack thereof, but all it would take is someone telling me of a new way to look at it that made me feel less like dying. But, dozens of people, and no one has given me a single argument not to end it that has any logical basis, they all try to play on my emotions. The problem with what they try to do is that I already feel everything, and the emotions paralyze me, so I can’t make yet another decision based on them. They all say that if I were to go, it would really hurt them that they were not able to prevent me from doing it. They all say how long and bright my life can be if I just keep trying. They don’t get that I have been trying for eleven years (half of my life), and that after that much time, I can’t come up with anything new to keep me going; everything hurts and everything takes too much energy. And the only ones that get it are those who are going through or have gone through the same thing.

I just started grad school, moved across the country for it and all that, and I am already gearing up to leave. The added stress here is not helping me, and in fact, it makes it more difficult for me to put things off (coming up with an excuse to stay for one day longer, each and every day). So, I think that I will probably quit my program (I am failing horribly anyways already), move somewhere new (I already have an idea of where), get a job, and try to distract myself again into putting it off until such a time that I might be able to find that excuse to stay. For me, it is just a question of whether that excuse (I already know what it is, but I don’t think that I can or should have it, even if not having it kills me) to live finds its way into my life before I manage to finally pass the threshold where I am no longer even slightly afraid of death. I am not afraid of what is after, because I don’t believe that there is anything after. I am not afraid of pain, and I actually am intending to make my exit rather painful before it finally comes, I feel like I deserve that clarity and awareness that will come with the pain. The only thing that stops me from doing it is a fear that I won’t have a final moment of peace and contentment with what I have done, after I have crossed the threshold to where I can’t take it back but before my mind fades to black. I don’t want much, but I feel that every human being deserves that last moment of peace before it all fades. And, the fear of not being able to have it, the fear that instead I will feel regret over not trying something else before ending it, is what has prevented me from traversing that threshold.

I don’t know if I would be helpful to talk to, but if you don’t want to feel alone, I am here to talk.