I don’t know whats wrong with me? I have difficulty understanding and explaining myself properly. I seem to never be able to speak out exactly whats wrong with me. My writing may seem jumbled up and not make much sense as I’m bad a explain and grammar but i will try.
Over the years i have felt “strange” like there is always something sad underlying inside me but ignoring it as i felt everything was fine and there was no reason to be unhappy. This became worse and worse and felt like this sadness is still creeping up on me but still ignoring it as once again i see no reason why i should be sad. i tried to justify why this underlying sadness kept growing.
My first thought was when i was younger i had a terrible fear of death. i used to convince myself i couldn’t breath and i was dying so my parents had to take me to hospital several times. death was the only thing i could think about and constantly thought each day was my time to go and would be in a terrible panic of screaming, panting, heart racing, and had no control of myself. My parents continued to take me to doctors and can’t remember what they did to me or if they even helped. I was very very young at the time and already have bad memory so this part of my life is sort of a blur but all i do remember was the panic i felt.
As i grew older i grew out of this fear. A lot happened during those years such as all the problems most teenagers get at the start of high school etc etc. All the stuff most teens face but i don’t feel like any of them were the reason why i feel this way and are much significant.
Fast forward to now. This whole year has been a mess for me. I have developed this feeling of being trapped constantly like i cant escape anything. i can’t explain how strong this trapped feeling makes me feel its indescribable. This is when my explaining terrible. i can’t explain this “trapped feeling” what so ever and how distressed it makes me feel and how its destroyed me i wish i could explain this feeling and how painful it is. At random times i get overwhelmed with this emotion and feeling i can’t describe and feel i have to run far away. i just run away. it makes 0 sense there is nothing I’m running away from but for some reason i feel the urge to go far away. i run to no where nobody is and cry. thats all i do now a days is cry. i cry in the morning, at night and whenever i feel that overwhelming feeling. i hate crying. it makes me feel so weak,pathetic and over sensitive. i hate it so much but i can’t stop. i will sit alone at no where and just cry and panic and just…….. i can’t describe………Eventually i will contain my self and walk home.
I have lost all my energy i feel so drained. i don’t enjoy the things i used to enjoy which upsets me so much. i used to be so smart in school and now since I’m so drained I’m lacking. Art used to bring me so much joy and happiness and now i can’t bring myself to try it anymore no matter how much i motivate myself. i sleep all day i don’t want to go out or do anything I’m too scared to almost ? And the more i do nothing the more i get upset and hate everything as i feel like I’m wasting my life. my friends are the best you can ask for i feel i could tell them anything but i won’t……I feel now a days people don’t want to hear other peoples problems. they are bored of it. I never want to be the person that seeks for attention. i hate that. i never want to be viewed as that. its one of the main reason i keep everything to myself as i dont want to bother people with my problems and to mis judge me as a person.
I know there are counsellors but i don’t want help. it makes no sense i want this feeling gone and my energy back but i don’t want help ? i feel as nobody cares. i know its naive to think like that but thats what i believe. i want to be happy again not locking myself in my room constantly being a crying, pathetic mess and not doing anything. The more i don’t do anything the more stressed i get about everything I’m missing and denying myself of. I have convinced myself that i am ruining my life.
i want to disappear. not die just disappear. i know it makes no sense but i just want to click “delete” on my life and feel free. no stress, no being trapped, just release. i’ve thought of killing myself but i know its not the release I’m looking for. i still debate on swallowing pills and falling asleep and drifting to death however i never want to upset my friends and family. its not out the window that option i still consider it but i know i won’t do it i just know i won’t. its disappearing i want not death. i just want to be gone. I can’t speak to parents. My dad he doesn’t get this stuff. i told him once a few years ago i felt unhappy and the first thing he did was blame himself. i dont want him to do that. None of this is anyone fault its me thats making me feel like this. i have never told him anything since. my mum she’s un well I can’t bother her anymore she needs no more added stresses. I’m not close to family and i don’t really know why so i can’t talk to them. At the same time i dont want to tell everyone. i know I’m telling everyone here but its anonymous so it doesn’t feel the same really. nobody needs to know how i feel but I’m breaking, completely breaking. I’m near a peak. I’m constantly in hysterics alone. thinking of disappearing. running. and feeling things i can’t describe well enough.
i need to go, i really need to just disappear from life i really can’t take these feelings. i need to be free. not trapped. Despite all i have wrote i still feel i haven’t conveyed how i feel enough and everything that has caused this feeling. I’m done. I’m just too drained now. I’m too tired constantly. i just dont know why I’m like this. i’m trapped.
1 comment
I know this won’t help much, but while I can’t know your exact pain, you perfectly described my current mood. My own is the result of over a month of bad news and situations, compounded with the realization of how little I mean to those I love.
Like you, I want to disappear. I just want my pain to stop. I feel like I’m a coward for not finding a way out. I respect those who, like you, are trying to deal with it.
I sincerely hope things improve for you. You truly regret the mistakes you made; even if no one else realizes that, I do. Whatever the mistakes were, I hope others in your life can eventually see your sincerity.