it’s been… several months since i’ve shown up here, or anywhere, really. my family sent me to an institution again a few months ago. i was getting better, but not at that place. it took me a while to get out, they kept wanting to keep me in. i finally got a full diagnosis for what i have, although they keep giving me different names for it: ‘bipolar undifferentiated schizophrenia (aka schizo-affective) with obsessive tendencies and dissociation, alongside C-PTSD and the onset of avoidant personality disorder.’
i’m starting to prefer the term ‘crazy’ or ‘don’t ask’ since it’s less of a mouthful.
i’m coming to terms with it, though. i’m still suicidal, but i don’t really consciously want to die anymore except on bad days. it’s more of a reflex now, something a fellow patient told me is a result of being suicidal as a kid; my brain grew up wired that way. it’s not my fault when i get suicidal thoughts. it’s not my fault i have these conditions. it’s not my fault i was abused and gaslit, either.
i deserve a happy, healthy life. it won’t be easy, it will take longer, and there are some things i just can’t do, but i can get it. i can have friends and i can learn to treat them right, they deserve happiness too. i can make a family for myself, fill in the blanks where my birth one failed. i can be well again
and everyone here can as well. i hope you all have good days and happy endings in your future. you deserve it. you really do
goodbye for now
1 comment
It sounds like things are going better for you, i won’t say ‘have a *** day’, but when you need to push though, just ‘have a day’, whatever it takes, lazing , exercising, crying or laughing, having one day can get you through a tough time I hope this helps for any future down days you may have