It’s not fair what happens to people. fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Sometimes, I wish my mind could forget the things my eyes have seen. .-. My mind keeps wondering to calls. Medical. Fire. Wrecks. All of it. The people we can’t save. I know we are told, remember the ones we do save, not the ones we don’t. But that’s kinda hard. I’ve not really had a problem with the aftermath of bad calls. But something is different, my mind won’t fucking stop thinking about it all. Then the questions swarm in, what if this what if that, what could we of done different, maybe the patient would have lived, what if we got there sooner, what if. That’s stupid what if game. What’s done is done, but still, you can’t help but wonder. You wouldn’t understand… Unless you’ve been there. Why won’t it stop? I can’t get it out of my mind. I’ve snapped tonight, I’ve gotten to the point where maybe I don’t want to have to live with these memories anymore. That’s not all of that part though. People hate me, I hate people, hell I hate me most the time. I’ve really got nobody anymore, so what’s it worth? Being here? I dunno anymore. Maybe I just needed a little rant. I know I could go for a long hug and a shoulder to cry on for a bit. I just want all the broken pieces to feel a little whole again, even if it’s just for a second.
3 comments
It’s understandable to have those thoughts. However, it shouldn’t consume you. They’re right, focus on the ones you did save. For the ones that didn’t make it, there was nothing you could have done. We can only try our hardest and if that isn’t enough, there’s no reason then to dwell on it. It’s obviously not as simple as that, but that’s the bottom line. Have you ever gone to a mental health professional for these issues? The work you do can cause serious PTSD, which it seems that it already did. O and you’re saving lives. That’s one major reason to still be here. Also, try to do things to relax you in your off time, any hobbies would do finely, to just take your mind away from the work.
If you try to hurt yourself and something goes bad, someone else is going to have these same thoughts about you. The what ifs I mean. Youre worth having around, and not just because you save people. But I wont pretend to know what its like to have these thoughts and feelings either. I just hope you feel better soon. 🙂
WTWO I understand you more than you can imagine. Rescuers & first responders suffer from a condition that I don’t think psychologists have ever put a name to. It’s not just “depression” or “PTSD” or whatever the shrinks tell us, and the cure is not in the textbooks and certainly not in any pill.
The only thing that works for me, counterintuitive as it may sound, *is* beating myself up for the losses. Reminding myself of each horrific death & each fatal mistake, because you know why? Because that’s what makes us stronger. It makes us sharper and better prepared for the next round.
There’s a reason you do what you do. There’s a reason why you rush in while everyone is rushing out. It’s because you can take it. It’s ok to have moments of weakness and doubt. But you know as well as I do that when you’re on your next shift, you’ll be in top form. It’s when the shift is over that we start having these horrible feelings, nightmares and flashbacks. It’s a wild ride, isn’t it?