At the end of 2015, things were amazing. I had a girlfriend since 2011, I just discovered I was able to push my marks from a 50 to a 80 and I was on track to getting into medical school. The first quarter, even though I pushed harder than before, I was failing. My girlfriend and I had a fallout and ever since then she would drop hints about how she wasn’t into this anymore.
Following that, the next quarter I just pushed even harder at making things work at university and at my relationship. It got even worse. She found new friends and I dropped even more at university despite sacrificing more time from myself.
In the third quarter, I knew I had to push my university studying to the limit. I told my girlfriend that I would have to cut down time with her to focus (It was also the quarter that I was writing my entrance exam for medical school). I really tried to give her as much attention as I could afford, then I learnt that she met somebody else. She ultimately changed and we broke up. I picked up my marks back to just 50%.
In this last quarter, I cannot even move forward. I know for a fact that I won’t be in medical school next year.
The thing is that I have such a great life; everything a child could ask for. I have no external stresses and anybody with my opportunities would be grateful. I have realised that I am intelligent, but not intelligent enough for my own happiness. I have this omen where the harder I try, the worse the situation gets. I’m not one to want attention and I have plenty of friends who I share information with.
I don’t want to commit suicide, although I have thought about it, because of the “selfish” and “easy route out” stigma tagged with the action; as well as the fact that the people that’ll hurt and the wastage I would have to put my loved ones through. I simply want the world to swallow me up and I’ve wanted this since 2008 when I was 14… I feel like such a waste of money and resources. And when I’m willing and trying to make a better life, it just gets worse. And it’s never felt worse than right now at 22. I want to disappear and I want to leave everything here and just not exist. I want to be stuck in limbo.
I know nobody has an answer, but I’m losing a grip on my sanity. If anybody feels this way or felt this way, I’d like to talk about it and hopefully there could be mutual help to get passed it.
2 comments
Hey.. I just wanted to say I relate. I’m still in high school, but I’m in all of these ap and honors classes, I know I’m smart but I never wind up being smart enough. I am so fortunate to have been givin everything I could ever dream of, but it isn’t enough. I also just had an end to a long term relationship. I just wanted to let you know that I understand you, and know where your coming from.
Hi… I understand you. I’ll drop an email soon.