I ended up not going to one of my final exams today (half-semester classes), because I have learnt so little that I would literally have turned in a blank test anyway. I didn’t feel like staring blankly at the pages for either the whole three hours allotted for the exam or until the desire to leave overcame the desire to not walk out in the middle in front of everyone else.
Something like this has never happened before to me; even at my worst, I was always able to escape into my schoolwork just enough to have that success be my purpose when lacking anything else. That is no longer the case. And, honestly, I expected it to hurt that I just blew off that exam, because it really is a big deal where I am attending school (especially in that it is my first semester in grad school). But, just like almost everything else in life for the last year, it made me feel nothing at all; not dread, or fear of failure, or disappointment in myself, just nothing. I have seemed to experience enough of every other emotion that it has just made me not care about any of it anymore.
I spend as many of my hours as possible alone in my room, listening to music and thinking to myself, mostly. I don’t like being around people much, because even though I enjoy their company, I just can’t muster up the will to put on a “brave face” and make it seem like I am actually okay. I always used to be able to do that, and I probably could now as well, were it not for my complete lack of desire to work any harder than I have to to get through each and every painful day.
The thoughts that have kept creeping in, with increasing complexity and intricacy, are many different scenarios that I can put into action in order to finally end everything. I have several for each timeframe; some for the short term if I really need to do it sooner rather than later (I am pretty sure that I can wait a little while, for the timing to be perfect), and then some more effective and involved ones that I could easily implement over Christmas vacation. It is amazing how once my mind starts in on those type of thoughts, literally everything and anything that I encounter throughout the day becomes an implement that I can use to make it over. When it is all that I can seem to think about anymore, everything would work in a pinch.
I have my favored method, my favored time and location, and the exact plan in which to make it a reality. Now it is just playing the waiting game; passing the hours and days until I can finally have the time away from school to let go. I really can taste it now, and it is no longer a scary thought.
After having tried everything that I could think of and then some (I have had eleven long years to think about ways to try to make things better), I finally have exhausted all that I have come up with except for the one thing that could probably help me. And that one thing is something that I cannot have, for having it would force me to cross a line that would leave someone else in even more pain than I will cause anyone in leaving “prematurely”. In order to spare that person the damage that I would cause in trying to “fix” me, if that is even possible, that uses up the last thing that could actually have a possibility of making me want to live.
With this realization, the end no longer scares me. Because I know that my life will be primarily pain (with a few fleeting distractions once in awhile), and the end is simply a conclusion to that painful existence. I am not religious, and do not believe in an “after”, so the only thing awaiting me is the end of consciousness. And since consciousness consists and will always consist almost entirely of pain, an end to that just sounds like the most practical option.
This song really has resonated with me, more than most manage to. I am pretty sure that it will be blaring through my headphones when the end comes for me.
2 comments
That is some really deep stuff my friend! I don’t really understant though why you make such a big deal about an exam you didn’t attend. If you learnt and do care so little is it because you don’t really like what you are doing right now? If you managed to get to grad school then I’m pretty sure that even if you fail, you could end up getting a job with a bachelors degree (maybe I’m mistaken).
Anyway, try to analyse your situation objectively and find a way to solve any problem you can find. That really helps, trust me! You seem to enjoy music and I must say that for me it is the best way to go through tough times. Simply listening to it is a really great way to feel better, but don’t lock yourself in your room and only do that. Go out, talk to friends and family. I’m sure they can cheer you up.
You are an atheist just like me and I think we can agree on one thing: We only have one life. Make the best out of it! Live enough to find what you really want. Harsh times are part of it for any of us and we should fight them for the good ones. The universe is a dangerous place for humans yet so beautiful 🙂 Enjoy it!
Hello Skynox, thanks so much for responding. Lately, it seems that my comments and posts have gone unnoticed (understandable, as most of my perspective is pretty negatively stacked, so I am probably not the most uplifting person to talk to). I guess that how bad it feels when I can’t seem to do this is amplified when I consider the opportunity that I have been given. I indeed could fall back on my bachelor’s degree and it would pay well (I am an engineer, so jobs are pretty lucrative, even for bachelor’s level). But the problem is that I managed to do well enough as an undergrad to get into this amazing school (with an equally amazing reputation) in the exact department that I have wanted to be a part of since I was about ten. I also know that what I was as an undergrad, when my perspective on the world was far less severely hopeless, was capable of succeeding here. The department is exactly what I expected it to be, and it is what I wanted. I just don’t know if I can get my mind right enough quickly enough in order to allow me to actually benefit from this opportunity that I have. I guess that one of the toughest things is that I don’t know whether I will be able to forgive myself if I fail, because that would mean that I wasn’t able to do what needed to be done so that I could have what I wanted for so long. I use the past tense here, because I don’t know in my present situation if I want anything at all anymore, other than the end.
I tend to be open, probably too open, about most things that are going on in my mind. I used to try to conceal everything and put on a happy face, and when I had the energy to spend doing that, I was pretty effective at it. And, oddly enough, I think that it was better when I was able to do that, a “fake it until you make it” sort of mindset. At least when I had the extra energy that I could devote to faking it, I tended to be less isolated, because I knew that I wasn’t constantly sucking every glimmer of light out of a room as soon as I opened my mouth. But when I don’t have the energy to pretend that I am okay, everyone sees. And although everyone wants to believe that they will be there for their friends when they are going through tough times, when tough is all that there is, most distance themselves as much as possible. It makes sense that most people do this, because they want to be as happy as possible while combatting their own internal and external struggles. Unfortunately, I do not help anyone fight their struggles when I just suck the life out of them. This is why I don’t even enjoy going out with anyone; because I can physically see the light draining from their faces as I speak. They start out enjoying the conversation, and then, without me intending to, the topic transitions to something more close to what goes on in my own mind constantly, and when this happens, let the life-sucking begin. Seeing that reaction of people when I can’t put on a “brave/fake” face just makes me feel worse, because the only thing worse than suffering is causing someone else to suffer along with you.
The occasional conversation or person that I contact that seems more resilient, tend to listen to my explanations and then tell me that I am probably one of the most calculating (not in a bad way) and purely logical/rational people that they have ever talked to. One friend that I talked with awhile back told me that, while he sincerely hopes that I never get to the threshold where I actually end it (rather than just thinking about/planning it), he would be surprised if I was able to actually do it to myself, simply because the core part of my mind is constantly running calculations and looking at every possible viewpoint that I can come up with. I know that I may not be getting it across in the right way, but he did not say it in a daring way or in a way that was telling me that he didn’t believe in the seriousness of my thoughts. He cares about me (I think so, anyway), he just thinks that the rational and logical part of me that allows me to separate emotion from almost every perspective that I think about, won’t actually allow me to kill myself. I am honestly not sure about that, because the more time that I have to think about why I should or should not, the more logical doing it seems to become.
I realize that it may indeed only seem rational because of the shroud that is over my mind 24/7, but I suspect if you knew the exact reason (which I can’t really discuss on here), you might actually see my perspective on why ending it might very well make the most sense. The few friends that I have told everything to have actually reacted with an acknowledgement that my consideration of ending it is not a completely nonsensical point of view. They all think that I should keep trying and just try to make something besides this one thing be my reason to continue, but at the same time, the significance of my reason to go seemed to resonate even with them (whom have never struggled with depression/suicide, and are eternal optimists).
Unfortunately, I prove to myself every day that ignorance is bliss, and the absence of it propagates and sustains despair. I know exactly one thing that would probably get me out of this hole. I have systematically tested everything else on my list that has been forming and added to since I was 13 to try to find something else that would work, something besides the one that is now remaining that would give me sufficient reason to want to live. But now I am down to this one thing; a desire to love, in primarily the emotional, but also the physical, sense. This sounds completely reasonable, no doubt, because nearly every human on this planet longs for that one type of connection above nearly everything else. It is a truly fundamental desire for humans to find that emotional and physical connection.
But this is where the disconnect lies for me; I can’t actually have this connection without almost certainly causing someone else harm. The very nature of the connection that I long for, despite my only desire being to love and be loved by this individual (with no emotional or physical pain experienced by either party), would almost inevitably damage this person. I won’t go into any more detail, but you may be able to see what I am hinting at here. And since my very contact would hurt the one that I want nothing more than to make happy, I will always be alone as long as I am alive. And having exhausted my now nine year old list of alternative things to try to make my reason to stay, I can’t see any end to that pain, or even a remedy to it. Because anything in the absence of the love that I yearn for but can never have, seems to just be (at best) delaying the inevitable sinking into an ever deepening pit of despair (forgive the reference).
The reason that I cannot seem to care about what I am doing at school right now is just that: what point does any of it have if I will just end up in a deeper pit a day/month/year/decade from now than I am at this point, no matter how far I go professionally and academically? As an undergrad, I had not been subjected to this painful moment of absolute clarity (from my perspective, anyway), so I was blissfully ignorant of the ramifications of what I was and am. But since that moment happened, I just can’t un-see it.
Sorry for the really long response; I just am curious of what your perspective is on it at this point? If you would prefer to talk over email, you can email me at sacrificial_shaun @ yahoo.com (delete the spaces). I really hope to hear back from you now that I have shown a little more of my hand as to what is really causing everything for me.