Okay, now I need to let all this out.
I don’t even know why I’m here. Each day its getting worse and honestly I couldn’t ask for anything worse like ughh, I honestly don’t know how to describe it. Each morning I wake up, wishing that I could die and reborn as someone else, someone better or something. I can’t cope with my lifestyle, I can’t my bare anything at the moment. I have SO MUCH to let out yet I don’t know how, I want to SCREAM, CRY AND LET IT ALL OUT. But I still don’t know, I’ve been staring the screen for minutes thinking how am I gunna type up everything, I just sit so numb and idk but I’M LITERALLY EXPLODING INSIDE, THERES SO MUCH IN FACT TOO MUCH going inside one brain.
Family- So much happened in my past, and I still get nightmares about it. I still haven’t moved on from it no matter what happens. I’ve met so many people and hurt by boys, girls, people, everyone. Yes, I have a “family” but sometimes there comes a point where im like “they are better off without me” when I’m watching them suffer through something that was caused by me. Some days, I try to imagine how everyone’s life would be better off without me, believe me or not, it seems much better without me. I’m a mess. Yet I want to try my best to not let my family down cos I’ve done enough but no on seems to understand me when I say “I LITERALLY CANT DO IT”. I used to cut and omg it helped me so much to cope everything but I can’t now cos my family found out, my mum made me promise on her not to do it. Yet there were sometimes when I still did it but I’m trying my best not to cos I do love my mum but I just don’t know how to cope the urge to not do it. And, something really hit me lately, I’ve been feeling quite close to this girl in my class (btw I’m a girl as well) and she is someone who is totally opposite of me and she has her own friend group. Well, I see her in class sometimes really upset and my heart just hurts and it pounds so hard when we are sitting next to each other. Even when she is laughing with her friends, I know theres something wrong inside her. Her dad died in Christmas when we were in year 7 and I’m sure she is sad about that. When I see her smile, it just mentally makes me happy but still I get this tought saying im no good for her n all that. Over anything, I just want to help her the most and help her overcome what she is struggling and yep I want to get close with her like a good friend.. or something more. You see, theres one thing I’m not sure about… my gender, I have this feeling I’m bisexual yet I haven’t dated anyone inrl but I have a feeling I could be… and Lately ive been freaking out if my family found that they would literally kill me. And when see the girl with her friend, I completely keep wishing one day she would feel the same way towards me. I have this feeling she could be feeling the same about me but I’m not sure, I have this horoscope app and one day it said something like “get close with someone you are reaching for because its the right time to do it because they could be feeling the same about you”. And theres some days when I was like I SHOULD MOVE ON AND LEAVE THIS FEELING TOWARDS HER but everytime I really tried there was something that always dragged me back to those emotions and again I was “falling” for her. And those feeling are hard to describe, its like when all the emotions drag you to the bottom of your heart and you sit there so numb and confused about the feeling and you just stare not blinking as if theres something gunna happen.
Friends- I have this group of 5 “friends”, I can only say that only one or two are the ones who somewhat care about me. They all knew about my scars and talked about it but guess what never ever wanted to help me with it. And one of them totally doesn’t understand the feeling of being “sad”, ugh it drives me nuts! One of them only use me for their use, uno like “can you help me with this” “can you come with me” n stuff. One of them is okay but still when I talk about my emmotions,they get “bored” and just not bother, whats the point in asking me in the first place?;/ The other one doesn’t really care, and probably wouldn’t even say im their friend (sad xD) like when I see them on the street, they don’t even like u know what friends do when they meet like hugs, shouts acrroos the road but nothing but just carries on walking with their “mates” and just smiles like for -1 second, nice init? -sighs-. The other one cares better than others if im honest and they are better and always help me and so yeah. Even though, all this stuff n stuff, I still would thank them for letting me sit in their group at lunch nd break n stuff even tho deep down I know half of them hates me. btw, you cant really call us friends, we only talk at school that’s all, cos I have no social media and im not allowed to meet or go out with my friends. So yeah.
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