Hello.
God dammit, I don’t even know how to start.
It’s pitiful, really. I look around at the other stories here, and I feel awful for even wanting to post here. Some of the people have, so to speak, been dealt a really bad hand. Abusive families. Hate from others. It tears me apart to see such strong people here. People who have had to do so much, and have been so strong through it all, that what would have broken me in a day, is something they’ve endured for years, maybe even decades.
And therein lies the difficulty; I don’t actually deserve to post on this board.
My parents have been wonderful people, nurturing me from a young age, teaching me right from wrong. They were–are– the proverbial firm and gentle hand. I have three amazingly talented siblings, whom I love and care for dearly. I have been surrounded by people to laugh and live with everyday. I have enough money to live off of. There should be no complaints.
And yet here I am.
Disgusting, isn’t it? I can tell that’s what you think. “Why should someone as well-off as he be whining about suicide, huh? He thinks he has problems? Tell him to wake the hell up.” Don’t worry. I don’t think the worse of you for thinking that. After all, it’s what I’m thinking right now as I type this pointless plea for help. I have no reason to complain, right?
Even though that’s the truth, why do I still feel the way I do?
Every day I wake up. When I do, some part of me, the ‘happy’ me, always seems to say “Alright! It’s a new day today! Carpe Diem!”. To which the other part of me recoils in utter disgust. When I look in the mirror, the ‘happy’ part smiles. The other part gags at the very act of smiling. After all, who am I to be happy? Who am I to be content with so many others being in worse positions? How can I ever smile, knowing that somewhere, sometime, there is a person who is suffering worse than I ever will?
This other part of me, it’s not the opposite of my ‘happy’ part, per se. It’s more of an ‘honest’ part, or a ‘anxious’ part. I can’t really tell which.
In short, the thing that is driving me to the brink is my complete disgust with my physical and mental self. Some have titled this ‘self-hatred’, but I fell like it’s more than that. When I look into a mirror, the ‘honest’ part always reminds me of who I really am: A two-faced liar, ugly both inside and outside, one with a face and an experience not even God would want to admit he created. I never quite know how to respond to these revelations, so I always sneer at my reflection. To which my psyche responds with further disgust.
“Oh, what about your friends? They can see the beauty in you!” Of course not. Acting the way I do everyday is enough to piss me off, so it must piss these other people off too. Perhaps they stick around me because they pity me. Or perhaps it’s like a misguided Goodwill volunteer: they stick around me to cast a better light upon themselves. Who knows? All I know is that it must be impossible to love, like, or care about someone who’s most hated person is themselves.
My hobbies? Worthless. My achievements? Nothing. My abilities? Incredibly unremarkable. Perfectly despicable.
Sometimes, a ‘friend’ will do something nice for me. Buy a drink. A kind word. Something small. And in that, I am reminded of my very existence’s futility. These amazing, confident, special, talented people God has created acknowledged me. But if not because they care, then why? Do they have some hidden agenda? How can I trust them to always be kind? All of this, and yet, I always look up to them for what I see them as: Amazing people. I see all other people that way, in fact. All these wonderful people…they deserve to live for longer than they do. Whereas me? I live through another day, outstripping thousands and thousands of talented individuals who may have changed the world in a way I will never do. I live, while they die.
These ‘friends’ are finished with me, that I am almost sure of. If I get annoyed by my own company, surely they would as well. They look at me, put on a smiling mask, and think to themselves “Eugh, what a disgusting human being. Why did I ever interact with him?”
Because, after all, why should a disgusting leech such as I even be allowed to continue existing around such amazing people?
There’s more to it than that, but that’s the hist of what I feel like is causing me to think these thoughts of suicide. I won’t talk about the specifics of my suicidal thoughts: I feel like everyone here will know or have known them.
I post this here not for advice. I appreciate any advice given, of course. But the main reason I post this here is for the others, the ones who are really going through this process, the ones who deserve a better life. Yes. That’s you.
Read what I wrote. Those are the words of an incredibly weak man. A disgusting, haughty, self-important, false-martyr of a man. If such a weak man would end up succumbing to these thoughts, perhaps, since you are stronger than him, you can face them and conquer those suicidal thought of your own. After all, you have basis and reasons, while all he has is an overprivileged attitude.
Keep that in mind. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll come back here one day, with my decision made. And then, you amazing, wonderful person, will have proven that you are stronger than I, that you have matured beyond these fears that I suffer from.
Or then again, maybe not.
5 comments
Your pain will not be underestimated, at least not by myself. You are very welcome here
Is there something you’ve done to have strong self hate? Maybe a bad relationship gone awry or did you treat someone in your past horribly. Just interested in why. But all things aside, noone here thinks you don’t deserve to feel the way you do. This is the absolute last place on earth where people judge each other. It doesn’t matter your circumstances whether good or bad, what matters is you feel the same dark heavy pain that we do. Pain is pain, doesn’t matter if the situations surrounding it seem wonderful on the outside. Its how its hurting your soul more and more each day. Hope you find peace and please don’t look at your situation as a cause to feel like your pain is somehow unjustified. Again, pain is fucking pain. Doesn’t matter if you think the reason is a bullshit reason. Because you’re not really living a full life, just like the rest of us. For most of us, we are fake people masking hurt to our friends and families. God that’s a horrible life in my opinion because our souls are never really free like theirs. That’s why suicide seems like a wonderful option to many. I’ve gone through mental disorders in the past and childhood trauma. But that doesnt really affect me. My life to others looks great too. Family is awesome! I make a good income and afford all the great things in life. But I’ve felt this pain since I was 13, that I wanted out of this life. 29 now and going to make the leap soon because I just cannot take 1 more day, you know. My reasons seem weird in that I hurt everyday for no reason, but I know I’m justified because if I keep going, the rest of my life will be robotic with dark feelings. I lived this past year like a zombie. So just own your pain and realize that it matters to your soul. Hope you find peace. And please post anything. Whether its a question or just to vent your ferlings.. Out of anyplace, we understand 😉
If God loves the Trump and Clinton, then God absolutely adores you! ???
Try not to compare yourself to everyone else. There will always be someone else “better” in your eyes than you. Accept yourself for who you are. It’s a *****, and I’m not doing a real good job of it, but I’m going to keep trying. Found myself an awesome therapist and I’m going to try…again…to beat this.
And *many* of us had GREAT parents, no hardships compared to many here…and still are depressed. It’s OK…like gonegirl said, pain is pain.
Hang around…nobody here will judge you here.
true someone always has it worse than you, you can feel bad for them give them advice but don’t feel guilty, your not responsible for all of the bullshit that goes on nobody is.
We have so much in common. I’ve had problems for eight years. My family always treated me well, and we were never concerned about money, at least that I was aware of. We weren’t rich, we weren’t poor. the definition of middle class. I was never bullied in school. I had my couple of friends I never felt like I needed more. school grades were fine. so why am I so fucked up? no body gets it. I have actually lost count of the suicide attempts. One landed me in the psych ward for three days. I swear to god, the psychiatrist thought I was crazy ( well duh) he asked the usuall abuse questions which I answered no to, he gave me this look of pure puzzlement. like he didn’t believe I could truely feel this way. So many times I was told, or it was implied, that I was doing this for attention. but no, I hated the attention. I hated making my everyone feel bad which just added to my thoughts of being a monster. somehow people love me. don’t know why. I have a loving boyfriend who I tried to break up with. he shouldn’t be with a bad person like me. he deserves so much better. if he loves me then he’s stupid. I remember in middle school not eating for a whole day to punish myself, I’m literally the worst person ever