It can get better

About a year ago i was a regular visitor to this site. I even made a few posts about my plans for suicide. I was severly depressed & made 3 attempts at suicide within a year. The closest i came to death was when i hung myself in my flat. My mum was meant to be coming to my flat for lunch but turned up early to find my house completely locked up & could hear me gasping/choking inside. Long story short her & my neighbours managed to get into my house & cut me down before I’d killed myself.

So that resulted in me quitting my job & moving home with family. Suddenly i was unemployed which made me feel even more like a useless waste of space = more depressed = another suicide attempt. (Can’t go into details here but it was a very poor option involving sleeping pills, alcohol & a plastic bag). = another failed attempt = me getting sent to stay in the “mental hospital” for 2 weeks.

The psych ward was not fun. A lot of people in there had spent years abusing drugs & it had really stuffed with their brains. I sat with a quiet anorexic woman during dinner times in the cafeteria. We shrunk away watching the rest of the patients get into fist fights over the mini jellies we got for desert, or screaming out hysterically that the staff had poisoned our meals & were trying to kill us all. I even got accussed of being an undercover nurse spying on everyone because i looked too “normal” to be a patient.

Anyway got out of the psych ward still feeling rubbish & thinking about suicide 6 months later i bought hundreds of dollars worth of supplies & tried again..involved charcoal. But this time i got scared, the mwthod i chose takes a long time to carry out which means a lot of time to think about things while your waiting to die.

Basically long story short i pulled out half way through that attempt & im still here today & IM GLAD I AM!! That final attenpt was 9months ago & today i am here and HAPPY.

Im still on medication but 80% of the time i feel content & even happy. I still have bad spells, but they are not so dehabilitating as they now only last for a week at a time instead of months on end. Its still work but i no longer feel completely useless, worthless hopeless, exhausted, isolated. ….as i did for 2 years. I still have these feelings somehtimes but those bad days are now outnumbered by good days which is enough to get through the bad ones.

Depression made it impossible for me to remember a time where i had ever been happy in my life. During the 2 years i was depressed i comvinced myself that i must have been depressed my whole life because i couldn’t remember ever being truly happy. I also could simply not imagine ever feeling happy again. It was impossible. But these are just tricks that the deoressed mind plays on you, along with other tricks such as that everyone would be better off without you, & that you are not worth anything & that life can never get better.

It can get better & there is hope. For anyone reading this who might be in the same situation i was please know that 🙂 the world is not a better place without you (we need less rapists & murderers in the world not less caring thoughtful & sensitive people like you)