just me and my life

hi im new to this

i’m not exactly sure how i ended up here, i actually mean on this website. but i’m glad i did. i’m not sure how to even begin to explain my life and what i’m going through. but here’s my best shot at it ;

i guess i’ve actually come to except the fact that i do not have a perfect life. my parents got divorced when i was only a year old. from there it only got worse. i was only in preschool when i was almost raped by my best friends older brother. he is now in jail, and i blame myself every damn day for this boy being in jail. i put someones son in jail, as a preschooler. i moved schools and houses many times until i moved to the Webster district, which i still happen to be in. i was kind of social till 4th grade where i blocked everyone out for years. 5th grade came and i was considered a “emo”. i just wasn’t me, i mean at least that’s what everyone thought. i didn’t eat hardly anything. i was so unhappy with myself. that’s when i started hating myself my Uncle Ray died around the last month of 5th grade. i was deviated, i was sad but yet i felt so empty. i didn’t cry, not when i found out and not at the funeral. i didn’t cry about it ever. i just blocked every single person out. i barley spoke, slept or ate for a good 2 months.

6th grade came and i was a little more happy. i made some new friends, some supportive ones. some good friends, which is something i had never had before. i skipped lunch and breakfast most days. everyone always asked how i had such a “perfect body”, which in fact i didn’t. i hated myself so much that i was surprised when no one noticed. i had a best friend, a real friend that i told my biggest secret to. i was bisexual at the time, she was my first crush of the female gender too. and she didn’t mind in the slightest bit, she was so supportive with me. that was the happiest i had ever been. then everything came crashing down. my parents figured out (i don’t know why it took them so long) i had an eating disorder. my mom told me i was a disappointment, and my dad told me that i just wanted attention. they grounded me for it, they didn’t try to help. they didn’t do a single thing to support me. they “threatened” to get me a therapist because i was so crazy is what they said. i would’ve loved a therapist. i don’t know why that would’ve been such a bad thing. and then i tried to kill myself. i tried to drown myself. long story short i failed, twice. and was punished, twice. my parents eased up on me at the end of 6th grade. i was in terrible condition. i barley slept, and when i did i had terrible nightmares. i was very underweight. people started noticing my out look on life was so dark. i finally told my best friend my problems. and she didn’t take it well. she cried for awhile. and for the first time in awhile i did too. she told me she would help in anyway she could. i loved her for that, even if she preached god and Jesus to me non stop i finally felt supported.

6th grade past by and summer came. i got sick. extremely sick. so sick that i was in the hospital for almost a week. i some how got pneumonia. i dropped 20 pounds in a week. i didn’t eat, i couldn’t breathe and i was so dehydrated. i was so very sick. it took me awhile to get back to normal, in fact i’m still not back to normal from that. i was in a “relationship” with a rich, smart, popular boy. he was good to me but also made me feel like total crap. he broke my heart, but i had been in love with him since the 4th grade and i didn’t want to let him go. and someone helped me let go of that unhealthy relationship. he pretty much saved me for a bit. i’m still with this boy actually, he is the only happiness left in my life. but the worst part is he couldn’t save me from myself. i just got worse. i couldn’t maintain a steady weight, i had to be on sleep meds just to function properly. i started getting sick so often, and having so many problems no one knew what was wrong. for some reason i can’t breathe very well. at least once a day i start shaking uncontrollably, i can’t breathe, and everything gets dizzy + fuzzy. and i still don’t know why i am like this.

right here and right now everything is getting worse again. so much worse. i started dropping weight again. and i have been considering ending it all. i don’t know why i am even writing this. maybe i just needed to get everything off my chest for once in my life. so here i am now, sharing my story. like i said before i’m new to this website, but i’m always here to give anyone advice or if you just need to talk and get something out <3