hello.
I won’t be mentioning much of myself, rather I’ll just mention what has been on my mind for the past few hours. I’m in a loop of wanting to end my life and waiting for myself to get better. My thoughts aren’t pleasant right now, though. I was recently diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder, you can look up what that is), and everyday is me worrying about skewing up even more than where I’m at right now. I have no motivation to do my homework, and when I do, I fail it anyway because I put no efforts into my current major I’m stuck with. If it was as easy as switching without losing a majority of my financial aid, I wouldn’t know where to start.
Forgot to mention that I’m in college, physic major to be specific, because with this major I get money from a program that wants me to maintain a 3.5 GPA overall, especially this first semester. But as of now, I am in the low B’s and will probably lose that scholarship at the end of the semester (tell me, is a 3.5 hard to achieve in general for the sciences and if so does it help that I’m already jumping into high division course because of my credit hours. I have to know if it’s me that’s failing myself, or if I was pushing myself too hard).
Anyway, gonna lose that scholarship soon, and I already hate my major anyway. I only went in because I had to give my father a reason to move out of his abusive household. My father is, in the nicest terms I can find at this moment, a difficult person to deal with. He has raised me to believe that everything I do for him is never enough. When I graduated high school with 59 credit hours, he didn’t give a shit until I said I would go into the field that would make him allow me to leave. He would threaten to hurt me/my mom if I crossed him, and he would point the blame at me for difficult situations I couldn’t control. I’m lucky to be out of his hands, but now my mother has to deal with his abusive behaviors and drinking. He’s even trying to bait me into coming back even if his last words to me when I left was he wished I was dead. In fact, in previous therapy sessions, my therapist has pointed out that my anxiety comes from the abuse I grew up with him, so I guess I’ll thank him for making me hate myself everyday since then.
Anyway, after realizing that I’m going to lose the only achievement worthwhile, I wish everyday that I would die in my sleep. I know it isn’t possible without some sort of discomfort, but I can only wish for it. For now, I take my thoughts into self harm (I know, immature for someone 18 to harm themselves like this, but I don’t know what to do anymore). My head hurts, I haven’t left my room, I’m too scared to reach out to people and get called out for me being weak about it. I’m a failure to my family, friend, and to myself. I wish I could disappear and stop disappointing everyone. I hate myself to the point where I look in the mirror and feel disgusted from what I have to look at everyday.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I’ve been in bed all day today, and I’m starting to wish that I could just pass in my sleep already.
6 comments
I think you’re pushing yourself too hard and experiencing a bout of extended burnout from it, imo. Just my opinion – science majors can get notoriously dicey unless you’re well prepared for them, or have a knack for studying.
If you don’t like your major, you can look at the infinite malleability of life and education. There are other scholarships you can apply for. If worst comes to worst, there are student loans, but be sure it’s a good investment if you go that route – you don’t want to graduate only to find that you can’t do diddly with your diploma, or any jobs you might get won’t pay the bills.
i know there are many choices to choose from for a major. I would love to work in the arts, honestly. But I promised my family I would get a major into something else before going into the arts since it’s hard to find a job in that field. Even I know it would be near impossible for me to find a job in the arts. I’ve lost interest in that subject anyway, I don’t know if it’s because of what I’m going through or if I’m starting to lose a purpose to continue. But thank you for your input.
I think you are a beautiful person facing challenges and that’s ok. I am sorry to hear about you father. My advice is have a breather, spend some time to yourself and have some fun. Laugh a little, watch a romantic movie, or dance to music in your room.
Thank you. Lately, I’ve lost of joy in myself. I usually try to find a happy movie to watch if I get this bad, but it’s only temporary. I appreciate your concern though.
I just started grad school at a great school and department, and I am having the same sort of struggles as you are. I am taking a lighter load than most are this term, but I still just can’t seem to absorb anything at all. I go to class and just sit there, completely bewildered by everything that the professors are saying, distracted by my own mind, and thinking to myself “how in the heck am I ever going to pass a single one of my final exams?”. As the grades are about 75% final exam (25% HW), technically, I am doing acceptably at the moment. But I know that the finals will not go that well at all, as the homework is mostly completed by me blindly following someone else’s explanation that makes no sense.
If you think that the workload is too extreme, it might be a good idea to dial things back a bit. But, if the GPA is out of 4.0 (rather than out of 5.0 where I am), a 3.5 is indeed a pretty high bar, particularly for Physics. I was a Mechanical Engineer in undergrad and am now in nuclear engineering, so I know how difficult many of those physics courses can be.
If the pressures weren’t so hard for me to maintain a 3.5 out of 4.0, I probably would of given myself a bit less pressure from all of this. I hope things go well for you, if it is something you want to pursue. In my situation, I got into this from the pressure of my father, so I’m only realizing now that it isn’t what I want to pursue, only now that I’ll probably have to take out loans since I’ll be majoring in something else. I’m trying to put myself back together right now, but it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one going through something similar. Thank you.