My Sob Story…

I’m pretty sure no one will read this anyways but, for those who do, welcome. I’m sorry in advance if I sound bitter or whiney or if I complain too damn much but I need to get this out… The longer I hold all this pain in, the more it rips me apart from the outside…

I say from time to time that I’m good at hiding how I feel but that’s not really true. I’m good at hiding I’m suicidal and weird… But I can’t myself look happy or act it anymore. I can sometimes and there are times that are easier than others but the few rare moments where I find myself forgetting all my problems are like drugs. I keep chasing after that feeling and I don’t care about the cost of those actions. My mind screams at me that I need to do whatever it takes to feel better.

I haven’t always been a mess like this. When I was little I was happy, fun, witty… I had it all figured out. Until my grandfather died. I was raised by my grandparents because my dad walked out and my mom was in prison or fighting a drug addiction all of my life. It wasn’t easy but I’m not here to complain about that… They made their decisions and there’s nothing I can do about that but nurse the abandonment issue I have… Which I’ve done an okay job at for 23 years.

I’m here to talk about how I feel after battling suicidal ideation for 10 years and being raped and molested. I’m here to talk about how I can’t walk down the street without feeling scared or unsafe. I’m here to talk about how I’m battling severe generalized anxiety and PTSD and I don’t know how to keep all my thoughts and diagnoses in check.

• Severe Clinical Depression
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
• Severe Generalized Anxiety
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
• Trichotillomania
• Excoriation Disorder

Nothing seems to get better, it only ever seems to get worse.