Rough night

Pretty self explanatory. Depression hit like a brick tonight. I feel the weight in my stomach pulling my heart out of place. The images of self harm and suicide are coming like waves crashing over my head. I barely have strength to breathe in before another crashes. I’m losing hope that I can be helped permanently. I just got my head above water only to be pushed down again. Suffocated, ridiculed, laughed at mercilessly by the demons residing in my head. The voices reminding me how dark it can get, insisting it will get that dark again. I am paralyzed by fear and I can feel the anxiety riding down from my head, down my arms and legs tending every muscle. I just keep telling myself it is temporary. I’m not sure how much longer I can tell myself this without feeling like I’m lying. I’m lost in this life, I don’t belong here yet I am tied down by emotional connections I dare not take down with me and the ship.