Hi guys.
I don’t really know why I’m here. I guess I just needed some place to vent. I’ve been thinking about suicide again lately. It’s the first time in three years. The last time I attempted didn’t go so well. I was a cutter before I tried, so I guess I wanted to go out that way too. My mom came and stopped me, and I went to the hospital for twelve days, and another for six more. I don’t know why, but I idealized that time in my life. I was in love with my sorrow. Now I’m in that place again.
The last time I was suicidal was because I was on the wrong meds. I thought I had MDD, but I was really bipolar. This time it’s all me. I’m overwhelmed. I’m in pain. I’m alone.
I realized last week that I have to kick my Uncle out of my house and send my Dad back to prison. They’re abusive and constantly fighting with each other. I’m so tired of living in fear. The first step is getting my uncle out. He’s the one who gets me to work every day, but he constantly criticizes me the whole way there. That won’t be nearly as hard as sending my own father back to prison for the rest of his life. I have recordings, journals, eyewitness accounts, everything I need to put him away. But I lie awake at night wondering if I can really do it.
Aside from that, I’ve lost my best friend. She sent me a text message saying that she didn’t want to be friends anymore. A 9 year friendship ended with one text. It’s been two months and I still can’t get over it. How do you change the future you pictured for yourself? How do you cut someone so pivotal out of your life? I don’t understand it.
I also took a friend in as my own daughter, and she suddenly stopped talking to me. No warning, no explanation, nothing. I’ve spent weeks trying to process the loss. It has been more painful than anything I have ever experienced. The second you meet your child, you become a mother. It doesn’t matter when, and it doesn’t matter how. The love you have for them is immeasurable. The lengths you would go to to protect them are infinite. The sense of purpose you feel within yourself is unexplainable. You never really understand what your true purpose is until you look into the eyes of your child and realize that they are depending on you. To have all of that unconditional love and no place to give it is devastating.
I wish I could explain the pain I feel better, but I can’t. There aren’t words for that kind of hurt. I’m trying to keep it together, but I feel like I’m breaking into a million pieces. I’m ready to give up. The pressure is too much. I don’t know how much more I can take.
Anyways, thanks for listening guys. Later.
-PrincessPlatinum
2 comments
I’m sorry you’re in so much pain PrincessPlatinum. As hard as it may be I do think removing negative people from your life is helpful. Your uncle has no right to treat you poorly and I think you should kick him out of the house. If your uncle is willing to have a mature talk with you about how you’re feeling and the way he treats you maybe you can work something out with him, but if he refuses I don’t think you should allow him to stay.
I’m sure the situation with your dad is very hard to deal with. If you believe it’s the right thing to send him back to prison then I believe you can do it. I’m not sure if it’s possible but perhaps if you can see a pro-bono lawyer maybe they’ll be able to give you some advice about how to deal with your dad.
It’s awful how friends can change and immediately cut off contact. I think it’s common for this to happen to people during their lifetime. I’ve had this happen to me before where a friend I knew during my childhood just refused to speak to me again and I don’t know why. It’s a terrible situation to face but it’s not your fault.
I hope things work out and you’ll feel better soon.
Thank you.