Thoughts that no one knows

Well here it goes first time posting anything but I’m 19 been depressed since I was 10 at the age 14 that’s when I first attempted suicide I took all of my moms pills my childhood friend saved me called the paramedics but I was oblivious to this because I was gone but I had to stay in the hospital for two weeks I never got any visitors I’ve been alone all my life had a rough childhood I was abused by everyone so I became to think it was normal growing up so I did what was done to me to other people because I thought that’s what you do because that’s what I saw I was never taught anything like how to love are how to act in this world I was in and outta foster home grow up in them had a few rough places growing up but what did I know I was a kid and I was used to it but when I moved back with my mom she is an alcoholic always was that’s why we got taking in the first but outta all my moms kids she hates me and my little brother the most because what my dad did to her I couldn’t stop it I was just a little boy but I thought they were dreams at first but then it all started making sense but my mom blamed me because I was his son always abused me and put me down but as I grow older I hated her for leaving me and not loving me like I was the baby but I always got left out because I was dions boy but my siblings always got loved by my mother but she never told me she loved me she never hugged me are showed me compassion all she showed me was anger hate but once i turned 14 she through me out and told me I was not her son I was dead to her so then I started getting in to trouble because my childhood started to show the violence came out and the anger and the hate so I was in and outta jail because I had no place to go and no foster homes wanted anybody like me I was to damaged to messed up they didn’t wanna deal with me and the group homes didn’t want me because I was to unstable to violent for the other boys but I didn’t do the things I did for no reason the teased me and I handle my problems with my hands cause that’s what I was shown so I was sent to a youth jail and there I grew up taught myself everything I know and that’s where most of my problems came cause you can do nothing but think and it destroys you plus having no phone calls are visits was depressing because every other boy got calls visits and me all I got was a room and myself I always been alone that’s why I think this is the choice for me but as I’d get out if meet girls aha but I’d have puppy love but I couldn’t get to attached because I got issues with girls I can’t open up so they end up leaving plus all my Demonds show and they don’t understand it because they no nothing about it I don’t talk to anyone that’s why I’m trying this out but tonight I’m gonna do I had enough but I met this one girl aye and man she changed my world and gave me hope that I never had before she made me feel like something for once in my life but like I said I was in and outta jail so she would cheat on me when I was in and I heard I just choose not to believe it because she would call me and she would tell me how I was the one her world that she loved me she told me that on the phone 30 days before I got out but I didn’t say it back but once I got out she came and got me right away and we chilled all night on her deck but she had a hicky on her and she was denying it so I believe her lie but I stayed with her for 16 months but she was always messing around on me but I always forgave her because I thought she loved outta everybody in my life so I let her do that stuff and I’d forgive her but she didn’t know she was destroying me every time she hurt me because I wouldn’t show it but I started cutting myself this one night on my birthday I caught her cheating on me right in front of me with another guy but I gave it to that guy good but she stopped me and she was trying to deny it but I heard and saw but I just left took the bottle and went off on a stroll I had a knife in my pocket so then I cut my self pretty bad I needed stiches but didn’t go but you could see my bone how deep I cut it took along time to heal but once I again I forgave her and we got back together but we had no trust cause I always thought she was messing around on me but she was but loved her like no other I still love her but one night I got drunk really drunk and plus I was doing a lot of drugs cause that’s how I deal with my problems but I was blacked out and I mistook her cousin for her and we yeah did it and then yeah I fucked up everything there she left me and told me to have her cousin but I didn’t want her I wanted my girl but she thought I wanted her but I made a mistake and she was trying to ask me what we did but I couldn’t tell her so I lied to her and said we just cuddled and she believed it for awhile then she asked me again and I kept saying the same thing but then I couldn’t take hurting her anymore so I told her the truth and she was mad telling me to kill myself for what I did but I was going to but I stopped myself I thought I could last and wait for her to be done hating me and she did she said she forgave me and everything but I just couldn’t get my shit right so she left back to her old ways then alsudden she’s with my cousin and there calling me putting me down and saying all this shit and it was destroying me she was destroying me hurting me I would never do that to her I was tryna fix myself for her but she went with him now there together all happy and shit and there’s me all alone but she said I was her one and only her forever but I guess not she told me she would never leave me but it’s been three weeks since she been gone and with him she just wants me to kill myself that’s why she’s hurting me destroying everything about me I’m lost I was the darkness and she was my light man she shines bright lightened up my world now she’s lighting up his how could she do that if she loved me but she was the only thing keeping me her but not she’s with him and it hurts a lot I miss her I love her I need her but I fucked it up now she’s finally got her happiness and me I’m destroyed