I don’t know who I am today. I know who I use to be. I miss her. Her smile and determination. Her drive and passion. She was unchained. Unbound. Lust filled but just enough to reach the brim of her being. She use to have sex with strangers and kiss them goodbye like a long sentence spoken in one breath. And despite that she was classy with a twist. No one could tell her how to live. Her eyes filled with energy that radiated to those around her. Her heart attracting those who needed a little adventure and a lot of acceptance of things they didn’t understand. Her naivety. Unbeknownst to her, the future which she was wandering towards would serve only one purpose. To break her. RIP her wings and break her rose colored shades. Slowly eat her alive. All the options and she chose to love the wrong one. She chose not to love herself and instead give her love to some one else. She chose not to get to know herself and thrust forward into this hard knock life prematurely. Without need. Only going with her flow down the wrong current never realizing that the stream was now leading her to a bottomless waterfall. It’s what happens when you live with your heart open and your eyes closed. This disastrous imbalance of things…. That girl could dream a dream though. They were so vivid, colorful and plentiful. Today I dream the same dream over and over again, only it’s a nightmare now. It’s one where there’s a veil separating me from my former self and all I need to do is reach out and touch her. It always ends in unforgiving darkness as I realize that I’m imprisoned. Chained and weighed down by the mighty unrelenting force of my own mind. A punishment for never appreciating it.
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God, I relate to this more than ever.
Beautifully written.. Stay strong sweetheart.
Thank you very much. I came here because NO ONE around me understands that although depression is invisible, it has affected me and shown me that it’s completely possible for some one to be tied down by invisible chains, unable to move. Thank you for understanding and for the positive message.
What you wrote really shook me to the core, as it is exactly what I feel like right now. I used to be smart, passionate, driven, and able to actually tackle most of the challenges of life. Even though I struggled with depression a lot during that part of my life as well, I still had a way to escape into my studies/work and just get through each day, and each day further what I was capable of. Since then, a lot of things have changed for me, and the person that I used to be is now buried so deep that I have only felt his presence once in the last year, and then just for a painfully short moment.
In that moment, I could taste the drive that I used to have, feel the intellect that I used to harbor, and I dreamt that I could maybe get back to it. But then that moment faded as quickly as it had come on, and it left me just as faded and empty as I have been. That veil for me is probably about six feet of dirt, as that is probably the closest that I will get to who I used to be while I am still breathing. I keep holding on, hoping that I am wrong, but I am getting tired, too. I hope that you find a way to get through this and back to who you used/want to be. If you ever do want to talk, you can email me at sacrificial_shaun @ yahoo.com (delete the spaces), if you want to.
I often look at myself in the mirror when I feel exceptionally low. It sucks because every time I do, it reminds me how far I strayed from my ideas of what living was meant to be. I could swear the bags under my eyes carries my burden. We can think all we want, all of us (emotionally challenged) are completely wrong about ourselves. The trick is getting ourselves to truly believe this.
I have those feelings too! Those fleeting moments of hope… I read recently that prolonged depression damages your brain. Maybe that’s our damaged minds trying desperately to remind us what it felt like in small doses? lol. I dunno.
As for going back to who I used to be? Hehe that’s definitely not an option. That girl may have been in a good place in her life but she was ignorant of a lot of things. Between who I am now and who I want to be is this incredible chasm and the only way to cross it is to fly. It often feels like every one around me is doing that just fine regardless of how they struggle. My problem is that I just can’t seem to get myself started. That thing that makes a person look at a filthy room and ACTUALLY clean it without thinking twice.