Why try ever(some jealousy)

Above is a documentary on someone who is suicidal. They have friends and an apartment and the ability in their country to die by Euthanasia for depression. I want to die so bad. I set some arbitrary date but I’m tired now. I’m back to the every pay check I think I should buy a gun mentality. I’m in an awful mood. I hate this loneliness being all I am and know. I makes me sick. I just want to die. It’s been 30 years of this shit. I ‘ll never have any one love me in any way I’ll never be productive in any way. I need a fucking miracle. I’m so sick of bearing the emotional brunt of other people’s stupidity. I’ve written literally hundreds of posts under multiple accounts over 5 going on 6 off and on years here. It never gets better. I quit I just want to die. I want all the pain to end all of it it never does. I sincerely want to run my car off a bridge right now.