My story is quite long, posting for the first time here, but been here for some time.
Hi. I am 19 y/o boy, straight, white, from a good house. Everyone in my family have good scientific degrees, my aunt is a scientist, my father is an engineer and mother is very important persona in cultural areas of my city’s culture. Why am I writing this? My whole life is a constant pressure from my parents and family, all of them had or have successful life, all of them completed good schools and have very respected work positions (lawyer, scientist, engineer etc.). My family was constantly repeating “good collage, good job, wife, kids” and I started to believe them that I want it. Completed High School with good grades, but my final exam at the end of the school (dunno how to call it in English) went very … medicore. My parents were devastated, we argued a lot during these months, but they insisted that I apply ONLY for good colleges. I listened. When result came my world was ruined. I wasn’t accepted to any collage I applied. My very first idea was to go for a gap year, work a little, travel for a while, study hard and ace my exams next year. Sounds good right? Not for my parents. My mom found some collage which was for adults, saturday-sunday study system, had degrees course which I was interested in, but there was a catch. It’s freaking expensive. Parents said, alright, we can pay for it, but you have to study hard blah blah blah. If they want me to study in this particular collage, which was actually the last one still accepting students during this year, why would I go? I went for the first classes and it was a disaster, people there are very hard to like, even to talk to. Classes are very, VERY basic, math and science studies are also on non-academic level. It’s supposed to be IT engineering course, but most of my classes are freaking ethics and philosophy. what. I don’t like this collage at all, all I can think of when I’m there is that they are only doing this to earn lotta money and nothing more. Screw students, in the end they all mean nothing to us. After 2 months of studying my mother said that I HAVE TO find myself a job, I won’t be staying at home all day and do nothing ( from their perspective, of course). At first I didn’t like the idea, I was supposed to focus on studying, but then I thought that getting some experience in IT would be awesome. Started to look for something, today gave up after one of the most basic ones responded with “we are not searching for people with no or little experience”. You have to trust me, I wasn’t aiming to high at all, after a while I was asking for free training, I go to work for free, just give me ANY job related to what’s I’m interested in. All my “friends” turned away after they realised I didn’t go to prestigious collage, but I got over them quickly. I tried working in different field (sports shop), but it just felt like a HUGE waste of time after they said they don’t need help anymore (summer-ish ended) I decided I’m focusing on IT and studying only. Time go by and my parents got more and more angry. They fight with each other more and more everyday. My father started to ask me if I want them to divorce. For the first time in life I started to feel like biggest burden they have ever carried. Like a constant problem they have to deal with everyday for the rest of their lives. After some time it got worse and worse. After few weeks I started to cry in my sleep. My little cousin (5 y/o) asked why I don’t smile anymore, I responded with biggest smile I could do and this little kid said “please stop doing this, I know you are faking”. I felt horrible. I have literally noone to turn to, feel like total garbage under constant pressure and I know I can’t live like this anymore. I’m sorry if my problems looks like nothing compared to others, but I really had to share with someone. I had suicidal thoughts, I started to look online how to do it quick and painless. It just feels like it would be better for everybody else if I wasn’t here, if I stop existing.
Sorry for my bad English, it’s not my first language.
I’m sorry.
8 comments
Im 18, pretty much the same problem in a different context. Somethimes i want to kill my self, as selfish as it sounds, just so they would regret putting this pressure on me, and would’ve listend to what i have to say, or simply because it would make no different if im here (better for everyone), and im so exhausted, sad and lonely so yea, just wanted to say you are not alone. Keep posting, cause it feels good to share.
this make me so much better just because someone responded, thank you.
I think you should clear your mind and think outside the box. Start asking yourself different questions and see where it leads. In other words, what kind of jobs or what kind of degree could you pursue that you never considered before? There are actually very emotionally gratifying helping professions that require only 2 year degrees and pay well. Put aside your assumptions. Figure out what you feel passionate about and then let your parents know. If you are genuine, they will likely be supportive.
I forgot to say, also, it would not be better for everyone else if you were not there. Losing a child to suicide as I did earlier this year is beyond terrible. I have panic attacks, nightmares and I am going to miss my son every day until I see him on the other side. Your parents are just people. They make mistakes. They lose their tempers, get bored with each other and with their lives. It’s not about you even if they make it seem that way. Life just sucks sometimes for them just as it does for you ….and me…etc. So much of the negative/mean/dramatic stuff people say that hurts you is not even true. You can validate yourself …..internal validation. Don’t listen to others. Tell yourself about your value. Find your purpose and your dreams. Be a friend to yourself; the kind of friend you would want to have. One day, you can then be that friend to other people.
thank you, this means a lot to me.
I lost my brother to suicide. We think it was because of constant pressure by us. Yes, all in my family have good jobs and we thought, as he was more intelligent than us, he would perform more and would be in a bigger position than any of us. High expectations had killed my brother. I think your parents want you to be in a better position and it made you feel pressurized. Please talk to your parents about your areas of interest. If they understand, good, otherwise leave their opinions or suggestions and live your life. Don’t die, as Drewmom0530 said, losing a child to suicide is devastating. And I am seeing the consequences of it now in my family.
I have the similar problem as you. I’m a Korean girl born in a good family with intelligent parents. But I’m tortured by major amount of studying and stuffs(including strict parents), and I constantly cry and feel nothing but emptiness. I wondered if I’m being childish, for I don’t have a divorced or poor parents or anything.
And then I saw your story. It was similar to mine, which I’m currently writing online.(It isn’t published yet.) I am so glad that I’m not alone! I thought nobody would understand, but I’m sure you’ll do, because you and I have the same problem 🙂 You gave me hope, and I wish you’ll get it too.
I’m glad that my cry reached someone and actually help. Stay strong.