I’m weak, and I’m finally admitting it

I’m 17. I can hear too many things going on in my head but at the same time I feel blank. I love life but I hate life. Everything is so confusing and I feel a lump in my throat when I try to explain what I really want, so I thought I’d type it.

I don’t want the life that everyone is told to follow. Working behind a desk, getting large sums of money for rotting away in a grey, dull workplace and consistently working for a force that marginalises freedom. I want freedom. I just wish I could run through endless green fields that are lit up by the sunset, lay in the middle of nowhere and watch the star-littered sky, race through snowy mountains, swim in the brightest blue seawater, watch the northern lights. It all sounds like a dream though, a mere form of escapism and certainly not the life I’m bound to receive. I think my fear is reality and thats the problem entirely. On the outside I’m a complete narcissist, I’m well opinionated, confident, outspoken, courageous and a leader. The inside is a completely different story; I struggle to walk properly because anxiety just takes over and continues it f**kwit ways and I stutter if I’m not careful. I look pretty much dead most of the time which I’m pretty sure is because I already feel dead.

2016 has been a really s**t year for me due to family problems, school problems and mental health problems. The first 5 months of this year I developed a plan and wrote my goodbye letter. I was going to leave and it pained me to do so thinking I’d never get to see my loved ones smile, my best friends laugh and my dog happily run and wag her tail ever again. I’d be gone and that would be it. I cried every day and every night for those 5 months because I knew I didn’t really want to die, I just didn’t want to exist. I finally left my room and spent time with my family and bathed in their laughter. I went out for meals with my friends, had sleepovers and danced all night. I took endless walks with my dog, smiling as she raced after the stick I’d just thrown for her. I enjoyed these moments so much and I was so sad to leave, I didn’t want to die, I just didn’t want to exist anymore. I slowly stopped speaking to all of my best friends who I didn’t know were breaking because they somehow knew. I didn’t go into school and when my mum forced me to go to just try things out I would go on walks and visit my aunt. Finally I sat my AS Level exams and I thought I was going to fail because I had never showed to the classes and never bothered revising anything I had learned, after all, grades wouldn’t count in the afterlife would they? So they were completed within two weeks. A couple days later, I went on holiday with my grandma to a beautiful part of Turkey. I enjoyed myself but I could still hear the clock ticking away in my head. Then it was June and I was back home. I was put on medication and took it daily up until October 26th, it is now November 3rd and I feel the difference.

I know I was given the opportunity to squash my suicidal thoughts. But I don’t think the medication will ever be strong enough to do that, not when I feel like I’m slipping away again.