I have had a yr thus far and fear the future. To start i have been struggling with depression since i was ten with the death of my father. It has been a process to cope this many years. Now more than ever i feel closer to death. Just two months ago i was involved in a near fatal.accident with family members. We all survived but i feel as if apart of me died that day. The worse part was my grandmother died earlier that day and we actually were leaving her house just minutes before crashing. I have been set back not only finically but mentally. I feel like i dont want to leave my house anymore and disconected from the world. Even when i want to leave i cant because i have no money to escape and get away just for a little while. I feel like i have no one even though i have family as well as a beautiful baby boy and little girl.
I feel as if no one understands not even the love of my life. The stresses of life and outside world sway her from me. I hate feeling weak and like a burden. I wont lie I have had problems keeping jobs in my youth but before the crash i was on the up and up. Now i feel.like whats the point? I have changed my life ways as well as self only to repeatdly keep failing. The people i need have their on lives and families to depend on so i rarely talk about my problems. I hate sounding selfish but some days i wish i had perished. The only thing that remotely keeps me going are my babies. But even then i feel.less.of a man not being ther a hundred percent. Im tired of feeling inadquate and i wont this pain i have been feeling to leave. I wrote a suicide note to myself and read it and wept. How could it have got this bad. I reached out to the suicide prevention hotline and irony is i didnt speak to any one. I wondered if it was a sign that im at the end. I always wondered if i killed myself would that bring my family closer. Would it inspire my children for greatness beacause i know i have failed my father. I have not found any sucess in life.