I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember and whether or not it’s in my genes doesn’t concern me because no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to live – all I feel is pain.
My back is fucked up
My mind is fucked up
I have no future to look forwards to
I’m tired of this constant pain both physically and emotionally
And I’m scared. I’m surrounded by people who tell me they care about me but hardly ever act on their words. But I understand, I do. I’m not their priority and I never expected to be.
I’ve always wished I could have that special someone. Maybe a girl I could give what remains of my heart to. Someone who understands me, knows what I’ve done, but will never use my actions of the past against me unless it’s to open my eyes.
Someone who cares for me.
Someone who could hold me in the night as my soul is weeping for the never-ending pain that burns me up inside. Someone I could love without having to worry would suddenly chose someone else over me.
Someone who saw me as good enough.
Someone who could make me smile on my darkest hours and understand the way I think. Someone who would sit with me in the dark and talk to me without any barriers or lies coating the surface.
Someone who would watch my back even from those I least expect to be harmed from.
Someone who wouldn’t give up on us, who would shove life out of the way so we could be together.
Someone who wouldn’t betray my trust and follow her words.
Someone who would love me for me and not just because she thinks I need a rebound, or because I’m weak.
Someone I finally open up to and be myself.
… but that will never happen. I’ve been dreaming of this person since I was nine but no one ever even tried to be there for me. Couldn’t they see I was in pain? Why am I always so invisible? Why do people only see a ghost or someone else they lost when they look at me?
What do I have to do? What do I have to do?
I’ve never been afraid of dying
Only of being alive
And I’m so scared of failing at dying because so many things could go wrong. I want to die as myself but if I fail I could end up brain-dead or insane, or permanently drugged up… I would forget who I am.
I just need someone because without that someone…
There’s nothing that’s keeping me from dying.
2 comments
I would never say I will get better, I would never have the audacity to dare that, to anyone.
But I will say it can get better, for everyone.
How easy/hard that is going to be, now that’s the concern isn’t it?
But life can never be more than you make it, if you don’t give yourself the chance to try to make it, something, anything, more.
yes it might suck, not just in general, trying might suck too, but without, you are fulfilling your own prophecy
Don’t let the rain blind you and drown out your horizon, might just be something there.
I firmly believe there is someone, someone that cares, and something for everyone, the lousy shit challenge in life is to find it. To keep fighting the odds, keep trying, til you find your treasure, whatever it might be.
Might just be that someone
“I would never say “it”, not I,
damn missing edit function for spelling in comments..