I don’t know where I need to start. Back in the days, I could just dust off all the sad, hurting and violent incidents and happily live my day. And then, I didn’t really have any friend. It was a constant battle to call even one kid as a friend but still, I could deal with all those “problems”. Maybe that’s the beauty of childhood!
I’m 21 now and Life has been a roller coaster ride all these years, breaking me into multiple pieces. The memories from the past, whenever hits hard at my mind – all of them together, a volcano of pain erupts […]
"to rise before the fall"
Twas the night before xmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a furry brown mouse. This was because a gas leak was slowly suffocating everyone.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, with silvery strands of old St Nicks hair, because last year when that fat fuck showed up, I was able to grab him by his hair and almost throw him down the stairs.
The children were nestled, all snug in their beds, while visions of standing in line at Wal Mart returning the crap gifts they got danced in their heads.
And mama in her kerchief and I […]
Where do I go from here? How do I even start to write this? It will be long and painful but I hope to give some light to my life….to help you understand where I have been and the footsteps that have brought me here.
I’ve been abused all my life. At the age of 1 my mother pour Mr. Clean down both my ears and caused my eardrums to rupture, causing me to lose my hearing. When I was 8 I received an at the time experimental surgery to give me back what they hoped would be some hearing. It worked and for the first […]
It wasn’t violent, the attempted rape. It was mostly tearful, with me pleading for the man to stop. And sick and disgusting. It smelled gross and dirty. I could smell his sweat, I can still smell his sweat. I will never forget it. I will still remember the scent after he got done, after he realised I want going to let him. I fought in my drunkenness.
He had told me that he wanted to talk to me.
William Triplett was his name. He was an ex of mine, and I had just turned 16, and he was 25. I was desperate to find someone […]
I’ve been doing a lot of study on the last time things changed in my country, turned around, and why. So let me take you back a hundred years
Everyone was bad at fighting World War 1. England was bad at it, so was France and even Germany. There are myread reasons behind this, mostly that European armies had more experience in the last century fighting colonial wars, that is wars to prop up their various colonies. Most of the wars of the previous century were fought at sea, but this resulted in everyone overprepping naval assets and neglecting troops and land logistics. So the first […]
I’m too overwhelmed with my thoughts and I can’t sleep but I’m so fucking tired. I don’t want to live this life anymore and I really shouldn’t. I’m selfish and try to give myself slack I know I don’t deserve because I’m vile and a fucking failure and disappointment. I don’t deserve love or any kindness and I know that deep down and I know that. I know I should kill myself. I probably make everyone I love want to kill themselves too. I shouldn’t exist. I’m convinced there was some error in making me exist. I’m so awful. I’m this waste of space that […]
I’m terrified that all I truly do is ruin peoples lives. Like their mood, outlook, future, whatever. Just anything. I’m really worried about her too (she uses any pronouns now) and I’m scared that I’ve been in too shitty of a mood and even if I try to keep it light she gets worried and I’m scared that I make them sad… I guess that I could be overthinking it, but it’s not like I could ask because 1. they would deny it and 2. it could possibly make them feel worse by making her feel like the scum of the earth. Nope- that’s just […]
The world has many names. Some call it just ‘The World’, others, ‘Gaia’, ‘Mother Earth’. If you look at the vast religions, everyone has a unique way of referring to this pale blue dot in such a maternal manner, quite romantically.
Even though the world is the inspiration to my great minds, it is also the downfall to a great number of souls. I, for one, am amongst the ones this world has shaped in a not-so-gentle fashion.
Incidentally, life can’t get much worse. And for those who know my story, I would like to extend a parallel to what I wrote last time. I may even […]
Its been a while since I last posted. I visit the site once or twice a week lately, but don’t stay very long…unsure why. Many of you have shown concern for me…I am surprised by this, I would’ve never guessed people would do this. I don’t see myself as the type others would think about. Anyhow. Thank you for this, it makes me feel…human? Better? Alive? Please know I’m grateful, Idfk Anymore.
A lot has happened since my last post March 28th. I wrote that post as I was sitting in the emergency room, having been remanded into custody by a counselor I’d been seeing weekly […]
Intro: This post is about my depression through out the years ranging from childhood to young adulthood. The post is comprised of approximately 900 words and has an average reading time of 4-5 minutes.
Hope it’s not too long!
Childhood
I have been struggling with depression for years since childhood (Now 25 years old). It never quite struck me that i was depressed up until i hit the age of 12, when i first thought of suicide. I remember feeling so unhappy that 12 year old me just wanted to end it all by strangling myself with a belt.
My depression started to manifest out of bad circumstances such […]
To The Person That I Mirrored Myself
Despite the fact that I am fully aware of what is going on in your life, your inspirational and motivational messages captivated me. I admire your ways of dealing with life because I don’t. Four years ago, I was in your shoes. I am a goal-oriented person who is concerned with the future and success. I was a “church girl” who read scriptures always and prayed three times a day, till I […]
I’m so not okay, I can’t feel anymore. This darkness inside of me is growing so rapidly that I can’t even control it anymore. I have nothing, nothing at all. Only the pain in my heart. Nobody even sees me anymore, I’ve become someone I don’t even know, I’m so fucking lost. I’ve tried to end it all twice and both times I woke up the next day, contemplating my life again. My heart feels heavy all the time, yet I’m numb to everything. I look at myself in the mirror, while I’m crying and I don’t see myself in my eyes anymore, I don’t […]
I went to the emergency room yesterday after a trip to urgent care. The past three weeks I haven’t been sleeping well, if at all. I’m guessing I’d slept maybe about twelve hours over that period, several nights no sleep at all. Having gotten no sleep at all Thursday and Friday nights, on Saturday morning I “set my affairs in order”, composed several notes for friends and family, bought a fresh box of ammo, test fired my g*n, (it works) then, for whatever reason, went to urgent care. (He doesn’t want to die, but he also doesn’t know how to live. -editor)
I’d been experiencing a […]
I’m lost. I’m lost and tired. Tired of always being a disappointment to everyone everywhere. Tired of no one loving me the way I love them. My own mother can’t even try to listen with some kind of compassion when I’m in pain. I lost all my old friends to my narcissistic ex husband who makes an impressive (to everyone but me) high six figure salary for someone who didn’t even go to college and bull shits his way through life. (They all followed the money.) And because of that, he always hold over my head that he can take the kids at a drop […]
I wrote on this blog in 2017 and in 2018 and this is 2020 almost nothing has changed. I still hate my life and everything it entails.
I had a short adventure with a guy living in Cameroon and I got pregnant. He rejected the pregnancy and abandoned me to my own fate. I didn’t want to abort because that would just have been adding sin on another sin and that would have made me a coward like him cus running away is always the easier way out. I kept the baby knowing how much it would penalize me financially, emotionally and even professionally […]
I have a bully. And they’re really f#%kin mean.
My bully wants me dead.
My bully is called me.
I vaguely remember feeling alive. Like things were actually happening. Things mattered, I thought things through, but then one day somewhere my mind woke up. “Oh f@$k I can think”. It was all downhill from there. I deteriorated slowly at first. Little realizations. “This doesn’t feel right.” “I was only 8”. Minutes and hours with my mind consumed by the things that went wrong before. Dwelling on the trauma that I didn’t understand until the beginning of The Collapse. The doctor says I need pills. We’ll try Dexmethylphenidate, we’ll […]
So, assuming the main reason I haven’t killed myself yet is fear, fear of what? The experience of dying for a start. Presumably I’d fall unconscious fairly quickly with what I have in mind. Perhaps feeling a bit lightheaded or nauseous beforehand. But what if there’s a surge of panic when I feel it kicking in? What if I reflexively abort it halfway through, and end up with permanent brain damage?
Supposing I do get to the point where I lose consciousness, and my brain cells start dying off…what’s that like? Is it actually like anything? Is there a sudden flood of activity as parts of […]
Maybe you too?…
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Josh Radnor On Suicide, Pain, and Purpose
The actor and musician shares how he finds meaning after tragedy
by
Image by IgorBukhlin/ Getty Images
Last year the wife of a dear family friend died by suicide. Then less than three weeks later a friend of mine hanged himself at his childhood home.
I did my best to skirt the seductions of self-pity, of making these […]
Celeste
(Length: 5m 20s)
So, in part thanks to Agnostic Angel, though I’ve gotten into it before hand and like it a lot myself already, I decided to post this video here on a coping technique the game talked about that might help. 🙂
Basically, if you’re ever having a panic attack, just close your eyes and take deep breaths… imagine a feather floating in the air… your inhales and exhales make it rise and fall, symbolizing your steady breathing.
I hope that helps. 🙂
It’s a really cute and fun looking game, but I think it might be one of those games you have to buy on Steam… I […]
I bought a Glock19. Went under the bridge on the river at 5 AM. Went into river, about knee deep, so that if the shot won’t kill me, I would still die from drowning, if I fall. Put the gun to my head. Put my finger on the trigger… I couldn’t pull the trigger. Why? I was fearing that I would appear on some medical table with lots of pain. Another fear was, I just didn’t know what would happen after I shoot myself. Would everything become black? Will there be afterlife? You know, I was there alone, and I just felt that if I […]