Finished, Had Enough, and Tired
My life is pleasantly comfortable and I can’t complain about anything. I have a dream job and the money is great. I’m in a wonderful marriage with my lovely wife. We have a huge house and nice cars and stuff. If I were to ask for more, I’d be greedy. Sure I can hold out longer for a boat, a nice trip to Hawaii, or even just to see how the kids turn out, but why?
I guess it’s fair to say that self-termination is unfair to those around you and selfish in itself. I will never take that route but sometimes I think about it. Mostly due to just thinking that I’ve got all I could possibly need and have mostly done all that I need to do. The rest of it is just a long wait. It’s like being in the doctor’s office reading a magazine while you wait. It doesn’t matter what the magazine is or what you’re reading. You made it to the doctor’s office, which was your goal, and now your just doing something of no matter or difference. Sure the articles may be entertaining, informative, or even educational, but what will that matter when the doctor calls you in?
Although I am atheist, I am by no means anywhere near depressed or suicidal. I steer clear of those who are. My friends say I’m methodical and intelligent but introverted and almost anti-social, my wife says I’m obsessive but without passion, our kids know I’m stern and fair but distant, and my enemies would call me persistently stubborn. I say I’m a highly intellectual procrastinator. And deep inside places we don’t talk about, I consider everyone below me in intelligence, common sense, and rationalization. Frankly, I don’t like humans and I think they’re all a bunch of retarded barbaric animals. I am only humbled by our enormous Universe and all that we don’t know yet. Maybe I’m just not in the right circle of higher evolved friends.
I don’t drink, maybe a six pack per year, I don’t do drugs and I quit smoking more than a year ago. Anyone who knew me would say that I am boring and uneventful. But actually, most of my own excitement comes from my academic endeavors such as programming, 3D modeling, and electronic music composing. I’m not boring; everyone else is just too dependant on others for entertainment.
Back to the subject; suicide. For an atheist, in my opinion, death is not scary at all and is in fact a pleasant thought. No fear of judgment and hell fires to make the end unpleasant, just a closing of the blinds and nothingness. But atheists are also more appreciative and less wasteful of life than non-atheist, which makes my situation rather awkward. I will always go on with life and make the best of it, I know there are untold adventures ahead of me, but adventures or not, heaven or not, when its over does anything else I do from this point forward make any more sense? I have done all I care to do and have all I could possible need, this would be a great time to make an exit, while I’m on top, happy, and content.
I hope I don’t get carjacked on the way home because I’ll take that thief on a ride he’ll never forget, if only just for my own amusement, adventure, and excitement. But seriously, I’m all smiles and happy, but I’m finished, I’ve had enough, and I’m tired. What else is left? I guess I’ll just wait and see what time throws at me and hope that it’s something good. Of course, you make your own future and adventures. Is it just possible that maybe a big change is all I need? Maybe so, maybe its what we all need.