Me
There is much more that turned me onto suicide years ago. If anyone wants to hear it tell me. Right now, I will tell you my most relevant issue:
I am a FREAK OF NATURE:
The worst there ever was. Why? For starters, I’m fat, creepy, a dork/nerd, unattractive, stupid, have bad posture, stand weird, run weird, walk crooked, boring, lack a personality, say random stuff all the time that nobody cares about (and don’t think that they’re afraid to tell me), have bad breath, take up too much space, laugh weird, have a stupid voice, don’t do anything, drink too much soda, obsessive-compulsive, lack conversational skills, have no life, talk in people’s faces, get obsessed with things, annoying, immature, slow, can’t do sit-ups right, unathletic, take too many cell pictures, wear my shorts too high up, talk fast on the phone, repeat myself A LOT, have two connected toes, cross my legs (I’m a guy) never change my voice, do weird stuff with my wrist (not cutting if that’s what you are thinking), reflect on the past too much and at odd times, two other things I can’t quite understand, too critical, too negative, one thing I don’t want to say, and just plain weird and apparently I say “what” too much. I can’t believe that’s all. As you probably guessed I have never had a girlfriend and try to avoid social situations. I don’t deserve any friends and try my best to be alone as much as I can. Problem is, I get stuck with a few other friendless kids. A kid last year isolated himself by snapping at people whenever spoken to and was institutionalized, so I need to be careful. As a freshman I get no respect. I rarely said anything up through seventh grade and learned my lesson for speaking to people by having to endure “You told me that like 6 times”, weird looks, or the worst-”I don’t care”. People are SCUM. Or maybe it is just me. I don’t keep up with what interests others like pointless reality shows or games. People make false assumptions about me as well so I look stupid (too late). I do watch TV and play video games, but my own things that don’t interest others. To prove how truly pathetic I am, I will list good qualities to show how they are GREATLY outnumbered
-Good friend-nice-cool (according to some accounts)-mellow-not weird (according to a few)-some people actually like how I look-perfect AFLAC duck voice-smart-not annoying (according to one friend)-tall-long legs (relates to how high I pull my shorts)-improved posture-improved stance-have cool sunglasses-cool computer skin-not emo (despite suicidal thoughts and minor self-abuse)-good at math-can cross my legs as a guy-good breath more often than not-not creepy (accusations even out)-good Mexican accent-funny (a few think so)-some kids “love” me-some things I have actually never said before-apparently have some form of personality-my normal laugh isn’t weird just my fake laugh-have two connected toes-athletic (more often than not)-actually, I had a knee injury so the sit-ups running and slowness don’t count, some said I’m not fat-one said muscular-apparently “you don’t mess with me” according to my friends-deep voice-”the best”-one said “random is cool” or something-I can appear out of nowhere-great memory-some like my obsessions-one is under the delusion that I have a live-two kids care about everything I say-I have some friends.
There you have it. Well, maybe “GREATLY” was an exaggeration but the bad ones hurt more than the good helps. I hate being accused of “following” people when I just try to befriend them. I am pretty sure that I have Some of my friends are okay but get on my case a lot. I should go away like everyone wants and burn alive like I deserve (car exhaust is my preferred suicide method).
I have OCD I think and it leads to most of this crap. I hate getting ridiculed and looking stupid in front of people and everybody thinks I am a freak especially me. Nobody understands me and I don’t understand them. I get treated like the lowest dirt of the Earth almost daily and believe every word of it. I believe in God so I am afraid of suicide. And I HATE hearing “Suicide is selfish”, “It only hurts if you let it” and all of that. Anyone who thinks suicide is selfish has obviously never experienced this kind of pain. And how does anyone honestly believe that people WANT to be sad? You think I wouldn’t like myself if I could?! I know I over-analyze everything (stupid OCD). I think I should have a sex change not only to avoid all of the numerous yet seemingly invisible double-standards held against males (custody of children, selective service, biological and social disadvantages) but mainly because I am asked if I am gay (I’m not) and told that I look like a girl because of my hair. That won’t happen because I am so used to being a man.
Sorry that that was long and boring and nobody cares but I had to say it. If anyone else equals my freakiness, I would LOVE to know. I have been falling apart for two weeks now. I haven’t socialized non-school-related since 5th grade except for Instant Messaging. Thx
-One messed-up guy