A Wasted Life…
I have been struggling with my inner demons and haunted by the ghosts of my past for much of my life, and I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m not strong enough to keep fighting off the inner darkness, sometime sooner or later it’s going to engulf me… and I won’t survive. I have always been emotionally unstable, but several years ago I had a severe psychological breakdown triggered in part, by my mum’s death. When she passed away I wasn’t there to be with her and hold her hand and say “I love you mum” that’s all I wanted to do. Now I feel an unremitting sadness for not being with her when she needed me most… I miss her terribly. You see, my family was in complete denial about my being a transsexual and they blamed my then boyfriend for turning me into a girl… so fucking ignorant. They never could appreciate that I had very little choice in the matter whatsoever, essentially my “core identity” is innately female. If only they had shown some tolerance and an acceptance of my difference I may not have turned out as seriously maladjusted as I am now… it fills me with bitterness. But then I didn’t really involve my family in my transition, if I had trusted them they may have eventually accepted my being a transwoman… hmm, and perhaps not. When I was a child I obviously displayed subtle “cross gender behaviour” and if my parents had cared to look or to ask they may have understood me better. I was very sensitive, gentle and shy, many of my friends were girls, I fantasized about fairies, mermaids and unicorns… heck, I even used to imitate mum when she put her makeup on! Sadly my parents being fairly traditionally minded discouraged me from expressing any girlish traits in the hope that I’d eventually grow out of this “sissyish” phase. For a time I did successfully repress my female identity and tried to be a normal boy; that’s when I increasingly became a very confused and disturbed, angry and withdrawn kid indeed. It didn’t help matters either that I was abused by my father and was constantly bullied by my peers… OMG, I hated being different! When I reached my mid-teens I started indulging in risky and self destructive behaviour and trying to numb my pain thru taking drugs, and the heavier the better… I loved being high, it was blissful. Being young, naive and selfish I never really thought of the dire consequences of my actions, or how they would echo down the years. Regrettably during that awful period I also hurt many of the people who cared for and trusted me, and one person in particular… it still fills me with an unresolved shame.
Regardless, I began transitioning when I was 16 and have been living as a woman ever since and luckily for me I’m able to “pass” without question in society. According to my few friends I’m actually quite attractive and feminine and have a really lovely personality… so why am I unhappy? At the age of 36 I’m living in a state of limbo because I haven’t had my Gender Reassignment Surgery yet, and that makes me feel profoundly depressed. Because of my illness and a lack of money I have grave fears that I’ll ever get this essential surgery and that probability is too much for me to cope with, it fills me with utter despair. There is however a ray of hope in this regards, in the next few months an appointment is being arranged for me to see the psychiatrist whose job it is to evaluate me for this next step. I’m incredibly nervous yet exited about meeting her and I hope to make a good impression, I’m not superstitious but I am crossing my fingers. The thing is, I’ve been waiting soo long for this to happen it seems a remote possibility… almost like it’s too good to be true. When I look at myself in a mirror I see in my “mind’s eye” someone who is fat, ugly and deformed and accordingly I dress rather conservatively. Other people though see me in a more flattering light and I always get compliments on my appearance, but I brush them off as just a polite comment. Someday I want to have Facial Feminization Surgery but my friends say it would be a waste of money and that actually I look better than most transwomen already, I’m not convinced. I would totally love to believe the nice things people say about me… and yeah, I know it’s really silly but I genuinely can’t see myself as others do. I haven’t had a serious relationship in ages and I deeply miss the sexual, physical and emotional intimacy that comes from being with a lover. I dream of finding that someone special with whom I can spend my life, and as a bisexual I’m open to being with either a man or a woman. I just want that person, my “significant other” to hold me close and say “your alright” I want to feel loved, safe and protected… but it’s just a sentimental dream, soulmates don’t exist. I can’t imagine who would want to be romantically involved with an insecure and possibly clingy woman like me, I’d probably scare them off after a couple of months anyway… yet I hope there is someone out there for me.
In adulthood I have suffered from a chronic lack of self esteem, worth and direction that has had a detrimental effect on every aspect of my life. I’m told that many of my problems are a direct consequence of invalidation and harassment suffered during my childhood and that I shouldn’t blame myself… but I do, that’s just an excuse. Over the past several years I have repeatedly been placed in mental institutions, and I have also been numbed out on psych medicine, I’ve even had ECT… all to no avail. I used to have frightening dissociative episodes where I would lose touch with the world around me and I would self harm, this invariably led me to being scheduled. Although I am much better now than I was even a year ago, I’m always afraid I could relapse and end up back in hospital… and that would be disastrous. In the slender hope that I might get better with professional help I have been seeing a psychologist, and to his credit my psyche is no longer as severely fractured, but there are still cracks. My emotional states on the other hand can still be extremely unsettled at times and I fear it’s too late for me… I’m a lost cause. There is a dark void inside me that sucks any positive feelings I have into it, leaving me feeling hopeless and utterly mentally, emotionally and physically fatigued. I’ve unsuccessfully attempted suicide several times in the past and the main reason I’m still alive now is because of my darling children, two adorable German Shepherds. But still the horrible feelings of anxiety, alienation, isolation and emptiness inside me persist and oh gosh, that upsets me. Sometimes my emotional and psychological suffering gets so acute I think to myself it would be best to cut my losses and suicide now while I’m still relatively young, I don’t want to go into middle-age like this. I frequent a Women’s Centre close to where I live and the people there have embraced me as one of the family and made me feel most welcome… and so I do. They are very easygoing, warmhearted and helpful and have encouraged me to be more actively sociable, and I have come somewhat out of my shell. I know my being a transwoman isn’t an issue for them but at times I feel kinda awkward and painfully aware of my difference… I’m soo self conscious. I’m actually very lucky to have a trusted network of resourceful people willing to give me the moral, emotional and practical assistance I need if I am to recover from my illness and rebuild my life… however, it’s more complicated than that. So despite the cautious optimism they show about my future prospects I’m fearful I am wasting their time, I have no confidence in myself. Around a month and a half ago I had Breast Augmentation Surgery… and yay, for a time I was elated! But even though I am incredibly pleased with the results, I’ve come back down to reality with a thud and that sinking feeling is back with a vengeance. I’m smoking too much again, I don’t sleep enough, I don’t eat enough and I’m always on the verge of tears and feeling oh so exhausted, vulnerable and miserable. And I don’t know why I’m feeling this horrid for I should be happy, it’s a really positive step after all.
In recent years I have become estranged from my two long term housemates whom I have lived with out of the need for human companionship and financial necessity, there is no longer a sense of belonging for me, I’ve outgrown this situation. I realize my illness has been taxing for them, but at times they can be incredibly misogynistic and also judgmental, patronizing and dismissive of my fears, hopes and dreams. Both of them think I’m irresponsible, manipulative, irrational and hysterical and that I’m incapable of taking care of myself… so fucking opinionated. We do actually care for one another and they have been supportive, but relations between us are just too strained and fraught with miscommunication, it drives me mad! I dream of moving out into my own little apartment, yet due to long term unemployment I just don’t have the funds. While that’s okay for the time being… somehow, sometime sooner or later I must take that step towards independence, or stagnate. When I was younger I thought I’d get my surgery at 20, become a successful artist, get married to the man of my dreams, be an adoptive mum and live in a beautiful old house. I’m not so naive that I believed all my dreams would have come true, but my life seems to be one of missed opportunities and constant disappointments. This constancy has worn me down, leaving me with a feeling of utter despondency and a resignation to the fact that life has passed me by. In my worst moments I think that I’m a complete waste of space and actually deserve to die, for I only drain society’s limited resources and don’t contribute to its betterment. The sad truth is, even if many of my life’s goals had been fulfilled I’d probably still be depressive, because at heart I’m a deeply troubled woman. There is so much I could say here about why I want to die but I find it quite hard to articulate all my feelings and thoughts… my thinking is just too clouded. Suffice it to say that I’m incredibly tired of feeling disconnected and lonely, powerless and uncertain of myself and that at this point in time I perceive only one way out of this personal hell. If there was an affirmative way forward for me I most certainly would take it, for deep within I do want to live and prove I’m capable of leading an enriching and rewarding life. Unfortunately I’ve grown so accustomed to feelings of hopelessness that even when a rare window of opportunity has been opened for me, I don’t believe my luck. I’m fully aware that when and if I decide to commit suicide those people who care for me will find it hurtful, but in the long run they’ll probably be better off without my dispiriting presence. I don’t know how much longer I can fight off the darkness welling up inside me, and I’m growing soo weary of the struggle that at times I long for the cold embrace of death. In the end I can only say that too much sorrow has been caused on my behalf and that I’m truly sorry to everyone if I cause more… but sometimes life is just too painful, perhaps I’m better off dead.