I feel pathetic and like I am headed no where. When I am brave  enough to talk to my mother about how I am feeling, she doesn’t even care or attempt to understand. She tells me how ungrateful I am and always makes me feel guilty about how much money she spends on me, yet when I give her the money back she refuses it. Last night my brother kicked me in the chest while we were in the car – hard. I couldn’t breathe and felt as though I had the wind knocked out of me. She told me that we would go to the hospital after she dropped my brother off somewhere. After she dropped him off, she told me that she had just said that to “scare” him. Clearly my health is not a priority to her. I told her this and she denied it saying that she’s the one who pays for my doctor’s appointments. I needed to go to the hospital – or at least the police station  – so that I could file a complaint. Her idea of doing this was to go out shopping. She said that we would “go in the morning” which I identified immediately as a lie and an excuse to shut me up. I have been hit and kicked brutally by my brother for too long and I need to tell an authority figure about it. I have a generalized anxiety disorder that I have been dealing with since a young age. I am sixteen now, and it has turned into depression and self loathing. I was brave enough to tell my mother how I wanted to die and how I hated myself – but she thinks that this is all for attention and that I’m being silly. No one takes me seriously which is extremely frustrating.
The only thing that makes me happy anymore is eating, haha
I feel like as far as my future, I am going to be a loser. The idea of “fame” has always appealed to me, and now I am only looking at careers that will make myself well known (model, actress, fashion designer, make up artist) even though I am not very good at them. I am not talented at anything, nor do I enjoy anything. I partly blame society.
Partly I feel as though I should just give up and die. I have looked into the suicide bag method and I am interested. It will be shocking to my mother when she realizes what she has been shrugging off has materialized into.