I want to be free of the pain, the sufforing of having to breath every day. I want to die tonight.
jennifermh65
jennifermh65
Im 23 years old dignost with bipolar, add, chronic depression, insomnia, nightmares. I was bullied when I was growing up. From kindergarden to high school. I have 7 siblings and 3 fathers. I was also sexualy abused from 3 to 15 years old
Today is the 24th year and one day that I have been on this earth. 21 years ago I was miss lead and wound up loss. 12 years ago I wanted to DIE. I still want to every day. Out of 12 years I have only maybe had 2 or 3 hours where I didnt want to die. More people In my life makes it so much harder. I want to die and be at peace but I dont want to hurt anyone either.
Today is my birthday and I feel 66 years old. Im only 24 now. I dont want to gain another year but I dont know if Ill have a chance to do it. Oh well.
With everything that has happened, its like finally Im doing good not depressed and relax then some one goes and dies out of our family and its like everything is falling. What do I do? My grandma died this morning and I just found out about it. And whats worse is I had to hear it from an old ex boyfriend that I dont even talk to. My mom seems so ok. Like nothing happened. She died from a heart attack when she was filled with meds from the hospital. It has been 4 years sence Ive seen her and now I cant even say […]
I feel so angry im depressed. I dont like feeling like this but just knowing what is being said and sent around just makes me so much more mad. I feel homicidal at times and I shouldnt. Guys just have a way of messing with your head. The guy that I thought was my boyfriend because we liked each other isnt a boyfriend at all. He is playing games with my head. One of his friends is spreading roomurs around where I go to school. I knew him before I knew my somewhat boyfriend. I am 4’11” and wiegh around 125lb. He is 220lb about […]
Im pulled this way and that way.
Im pulled up and down.
My emotions are pulled daily.
My thoughts are every day.
Wishing I would be able to relax.
Wishing I would have some peace.
I remember the last time my mother took the family and left the state. I relapsed and went in to the hospital 3 months later. Im scared. What if it doesnt take that long this time.
When I get rejected I feel a loss of umf. like its hard to try again. I get sad and lonly. I think and fill like a piss of shi*. some times even like a piece of meat. Men take what they want from you at the youngest years of your life and people expect you to be ok and over it by the time your 24. Things just dont go away like that.. Theres not a day that goes by that I can get away without thinking bout what happened. Even though I was so young I still remember every little detail. When I […]
Where am I and where should I go
I asked someone but they didn’t know
I found my way to the pits of hell
And then deeper and deeper I fell
I have no way to be found
And that is why I’m on the ground
I left yawl in tears and now my life is lost
my heart gave up on love because love has a cost
I can’t find some place to stay
But when I get close a part of me pushes away
I have never done anything right
But I continue to still fight
I will never live with this lost life of mine
So I guess I will stay like this until […]
I woke up this morning tired. I woke up yesturday tired. Ive been so tired lately its like my meds arent kicking in like they are suppose to. Im tired of taking the medication but I know what will happen if I stop taking them. Some times I think all I have to do is stay off the medication and I wont be so tired. Im tired of taking sh*t from people. Its like they got nothing better to do but to make me more depressed. Im tired of living but know that its to hard to kill myself without something happening and some how […]
Im trying to be a good person.
Im trying not to do something that will ease my pain.
Im trying to be patient.
Im trying to ignor.
Im trying.
Im having trouble staying happy. I go from happy to sad in just hours. nothing really happens. I just see something or hear something and Im sad. the medication isnt even working anymore
I open my eyes and all I can see is a blur.
Something is running down my face.
I feel lost and confused.
Why do I feel this way?
It comes and goes when it wants to.
Its like a plague that wont go away.
It has no reason to be here.
But it stays any ways.
I wish it would go and leave me alone.
For alone is best for me.
What is it to be alive?
Is it just breathing?
Is it walking?
Is it eating?
How am I suppose to feel?
Am I suppose to feel happy?
Am I suppose to feel sad?
Am I suppose to feel lonly?
When am I suppose to do things?
While Im half asleep?
While Im sad?
While Im in pain?
Where am I suppose to be?
In my house?
In the ocean?
In a store?
Who has the answers?
Does God?
Do familys?
do friends?
Today I woke up drained.
Drained of energy.
Drained of life.
Drained of happyness.
Drained what a total drag.
Today Im dragging everything.
Dragging my heart.
Dragging my soul.
Dragging my emotions.
Dragging my thoughts.
Today I feel alone.
Alone in my mind.
Alone in my heart.
Alone in this room.
Alone everywhere.
Let me tell you about a little event that happened that has me thinking about killing a guy. Now I haven’t felt homicidal sense 7th grade but this guy just brings it back to me. At the begining of July I went on a trip with (blank) people. there was 11 of us. 2 females and 9 guys. There was this one guy named martin that I (HAD) an interest in. We hung out for most of the trip and were kinda in to each other. He tried to get in my pants like every other guy I know and I repeatedly turned him down. When we got […]
When my eyes shut Im relieved.
When my brain rests Im relaxed.
When Im tired I cant sleep.
When my emotions are over worked I cant tire them out.
Its like Im in a never ending circle of tiredness.
With no will to stop it.
With no energy to relax.
With my body in pain.
With my eyes so wired.
Its like I have no choice.
Being in a relationship hasnt brought me any pleasure. It allways brings me grief and anger. My longest relationship is a year. My bipolarness gets in the way of me being one person. People dont like dating more than one person. I had a boyfriend once that told me that it was like being with 5 different girls.
I have tried being myself with these people but how am i supose to know witch one is me? I once was so off my rocker I married an abuse man who wieghed 200 more pounds than me and was 2 feet tall than […]
I feel empty. I feel like I’m in a dark room with no windows or doors. All thats here is my mind and a mirror. I hear no noise. I dont feel sad. I dont seem to feel anything. where am I? Am I asleep? Am I just dreaming? Does anyone know Im here? I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel something pooring down my arm. Its too dark to know what it is but I feel it. I feel heavy. I feel like crying. I feel…. or am I just hulusinating?
Every time I looked at something I saw. His face. Every time I thought of something it was him. Its like a fly that just won’t go away. Why can’t people just open their ears a little