I think that it would be best if I died on top of a mountain. I have the perfect means, I have no regrets. Most importantly I have no more friends and I am so distant from my family that I have almost emotionally detached from them. Give it a few more weeks and I won’t feel that tug at the back of my mind, asking me if I am sure or not. But I’m just wondering if a mountain would be good. I have a lot of options, but I am worried about being eaten by shit when I am up there. It would […]
Jess765
What if death were beautiful?
What if we knew what was on the other side of the wall that blocks us from seeing what reality is like after we die?
Or if there is a reality at all.
I wish I had the courage to part ways with this physical realm, and venture into what comes after this. I have had enough of this place, this hardship and this torture.
And sometimes I think differently. Sometimes I want to see what happens next while I’m still here, rather than what happens after I die. Life can be beautiful as well, but my own mind is the villain in a […]
One hour till midnight
The surrounding air is cold
Two unmoving eyes peer from beneath
Frozen ripples crash and fold
Late in the frigid night
The sun will never break
My heart beats no longer
Underneath the lake
You were as morning fog
In time you disappeared
When I woke to embrace you
You were nowhere near
Blackened is the night
The sun will never break
I draw no more air
Underneath the lake
I keep calling your name out loud
Running through the snowy wood
I grow evermore fearful
I did not do all that I could
Damned be the fleeting night
The sun will never break
I shed no more tears
Underneath the lake
The end shown its wicked face
A scream was never heard
In a few hopeless […]
22 years
4 years past my personal expected life span
6 years past my second attempt to “end it all”
9 years since my 1st attempt to rid myself of the inner turmoil
22 years too long…
I am so lost and so broken
The weight of self hatred, regret and ever lasting guilt has crushed my ribs down upon my heart and lungs
Every breath feels undeserved, every thought is pushed into the depths of my mind
This is not worth it anymore
I shouldn’t hurt my family any longer with my undesired presence
I should allow them the freedom to be without my incompetence and my problems
I am so scared
Let this be the […]
For Jennifer,
As “good” as I am sure that you are, I can’t help but think that you are not. I know that what you wish to tell me in response to my inquire as to your mental health is completely up to you, but realistically I am just as concerned now as I was when you were confined to the little room inside the hospital. I am well aware of the conditions, and can only guess as to other horrors you had to endure while you were there, but remember that I was once in that room as well. I can understand your pain, and […]
At long last the universe decides to take you too, my best and only friend. It’s much worse to know that instead of being dead, you have simply decided that I am no longer of any value to you. All those nights we spent our breath and our time discussing the woeful matters of life and all of its complexity…all of it’s irrelevance. We could have had so much more, if only you wanted that. But you backed away in the crowd, and I have lost you too. And I know that it can only be for the best. I would have destroyed you, brought […]
My dear friends
as you reside up there
in cloud and rain
I can only hope to get there soon
As if the days weren’t long enough
now they last for years
I pass the time with razors and booze
and the high keeps rolling and rolling…
My vision goes in and out
atop a crooked chair
looking far beyond the sea of rooftops
the sun goes down again
And I plead with time to let me go back
open a door I have already been through
Just to see you again
both of you…
Drinking deeply from a bottle
I rest my mind upon an old memory
we filled our lungs with tobacco
threw our weary heads against the dying grass
let Roger Waters […]
I feel so feverish these days, like summer decided not to end for me but tipped it’s hat for everyone else. I was looking forward to the end of the swimsuits and summer shandy’s. I was hoping to find some peace when the days became colder and all the folk around me would start staying inside for any reason they could find. For myself though, I beckon winter towards me as if she is a long lost friend I wish to embrace. But as fall sets in, and the days become a little colder, and the leaves begin to color the gutters and sidewalks in […]
The night is so awake downtown, as if no one has bothered to acknowledge that the sun has been fast asleep for hours now. But at least it’s peaceful, I’ll give it that. Every now and then the cute couple bundled in their double-breasted coats and thrift store scarves will skip on by, clinging to one another with a passionate sense of need and desire. It doesn’t sadden me as much anymore, to see the youth so heavily involved in romanticism and late-night coffee dates. It just sickens me. I could be like that too. I could be happy. But another semi-nauseating drag from a […]
Do they even know how bad it hurts when they say I’m “slow” for not being able to catch on fast enough? I just want to be employed, so that maybe one day I can live well too. I just want a chance, I’m not asking for anything more. I guess I’m just too slow, too dumb. God that hurts…it really does. I thought I was kinda smart. I thought I was nice and approachable. I thought I really had a chance. But no…I’m too slow. Too stupid. I can hear it ringing in my ears as I lay down to sleep. Do they have […]
I can’t write very well, nor sing or dance very well. I can’t play music very well, and I also can’t speak to people in public. I can’t make conversation without being awkward, I can’t keep eye contact with anyone. I am not good at any sport. I don’t know how to do math (I’m turning 22 soon and I don’t know how to do algebra.) I can’t hear or see as good as I used to, and I’m so young that that shouldn’t even matter. I am too afraid to go to the store on my own, but I’m also too shy to make […]
Wish I could get tattoos. Unfortunately I am not made of money like most basic fucking people these days. I’m actually broke as fuck and got nothing better to do than be high and wait for a good reason to die. Not like I don’t already have an entire book full of reasons to end it all. But sometimes when you know it’s time to act on a feeling, you better do it. I’ve already tried twice. I can’t even kill myself the right way, how does society think I’m going to make them an extra buck by joining the work force? I have had […]