numba
It’s relentless. My only escape is when I’m asleep.
Wouldn’t it be great if you could hire someone to kill you? You could specify hire… like ask them to put a bullet through your head one day when you’re not looking.
For people, like me, who are too scared too kill themselves..
First day back after holidays and I’m already drunk and a wreck. Someone (very nice) teased me today… and i started to cry. I couldnt control it.. the tears just started to flow. They were apologetic but i was humiliated. I cant even take a joke anymore. I felt exposed.. vulnerable.
I felt low so messaged someone i deeply cared about… an hour later and they haven’t replied. Im sure they dont care. They meant so much to me.. i want to cry and for them to comfort me … but no friend wants that kind of pressure. No one wants that. Im alone. Alone […]
Last week i was so low and depressed. I was preoccupied with death and imagining and writing about how i wanted to die.
This week is the opposite. Right now i’m out of breath cause i’ve just been dancing around the house. I’m so happy. I made my dinner from scratch but had to eat it while standing and pacing because i was so energised and couldn’t sit still.
It’s only just occureed to me how i was feeling this time last week
Does anyone else know this feeling? please tell me there is. I don’t believe in ‘normal’ but someone else must know this feeling.
is this normal for some other people? […]
I can’t have friends. my existence is a joke.
.. belongs to a really conservative strict high acheiving family where vulnerabilities or flaws aren’t heard of or accepted. YOu have to hide yourself otherwise you’re a disappointment and not good enough.
I cut where no one can see
I cry when no one is around
I drink when no one is watching
Every smile is forced. Every detail selected carefully as to maintain this facade.
Because of how i’ve been programmed, suicide is just a pleasurable dream.. a fantasy. Something i would go through with if it were just me making the decisions.. just for myself.
So i am stuck.. stuck in this life not really knowing who i am […]