About QuixoticNomad

Posts by QuixoticNomad:

1

My Prison

May 26th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

One could say that my existence could be described thusly: my legs, my feet, directed by myself to carry me through a jungle containing thick brush and trees, thorns and poisonously vicious creatures; the thick vegetation and dangerous animals representing difficulties in life: a child of low socioeconomy, biologically harmful setbacks in life, unadulterated stress. Carried on my back — a part of myself — is an organic syndrome begetting bipolar disorder.

There I was trekking through the arduous journey of the first part of my life, running to break free of the grasping branches and hungry animals, trying to make it into the clearing which …

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1

Time Stands Still

April 7th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

In Othello, Desdemona is smothered by her lover, Othello. Throughout the past year I’ve been telling myself I could never do that to you(I could never do that, physically, to you). However, it dawns on me that my pounding on your door when you needed space was in fact me smothering you. I am smothering you now just by sending you this letter. I am so sorry for this, for everything.

Bronte said it best between Jane Erye and Rochester: There is something inexplicable beneath my left ribs that was once connected to you in a similar fashion; but that connection has been severed and now …

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2

mistake

April 6th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

I made a mistake — the biggest of my life — and I hurt the love of my life. I hurt her more so than anyone has ever hurt her. It’s been over a year since I initially hurt her; over a year since I’ve seen her; over a year since our last departing hug. But, she won’t forgive me; she won’t see me; she won’t talk to me.

I tried to kill myself to get her attention when she was going through her own problems. I emotionally raped her.

The only thing I want in life is to have a life with her. But, …

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3

forgiveness

April 6th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

How do you pray for forgiveness? How do you pray for something you know God won’t grant?

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1

I Miss You

April 2nd, 2012by QuixoticNomad

Love of my life…

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27

Anymore

March 29th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to die, but I want this all to stop.

Therapy can’t help me.

Medicine can’t help me.

I fucked up everything.

I just want to talk to her, but I’m a monster not a saint.

I want help.

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6

lost

March 28th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

I don’t really know what to say except that I’m hurting.

I’m lost in the blackest of blues and the coldest of blacks; the half-light is gone. There are no stars and I have no compass. I walk the flat lands knowing where you are, but knowing I can never go there again. Emotional pain slams into me wave after wave only to wrap itself around my heart, squeezing, before releasing for the next wave.

 

I’m so sorry for what I did to you, yet, there is nothing that I can say, no amount of self-flagellation that can redeem me in your eyes — …

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0

Love, Obsession, and Friendship

March 21st, 2012by QuixoticNomad

There were many “signs” that pointed to the relationship with my ex meaning(to my understanding) that she was the one mean for me. However, there are many ways that the “signs” could have been interpreted. For instance, her name appearing as a suggested friend on a networking site alongside her old lawyer’s could have meant we were to be together or it could have meant stay away from both the lawyer and her; randomly going out and hearing a performance of a song she sang, “Forget You,” could mean forget her; or standing beside someone and having them grab my hand and tell me to …

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9

Nothing Means Anything

March 20th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

What does it me to when something so very improbable actually happens? Does it mean that it’s a sign? Does it mean it’s a miracle?

 

Last October I encountered what I interpreted to be signs. The last of the three was encountering a woman that so adamantly disagreed with what I was doing that she found it within herself to grab my hand and stop me from doing it. What was I doing you might ask…I was fiddling with my finger nails.

What is the probability of that happening…

number of people that don’t like fiddling with finger nails divided by number of people in the world multiplied …

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3

No Special Title

March 20th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

How am I supposed to forgive myself when it’s me that did the worst thing I have ever done?

I was the emotionally abusive man; I lost the love of my life because of this…when I see myself, I see the bad guy from Sleeping With The Enemy or Cape Fear or Fear…I did horrible things(not as bad as those guys, but horrible nonetheless).

Every time I hear something on the radio or TV that pertains to a guy not knowing when to back down and walk away, I cringe because I know that guy is me. I know she’d never be able to forgive me because …

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4

G-d, cant you hear me pleading? See me suffering?

March 18th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

I am not the victim. I am the victimizer.

 

Please forgive me.

 Where are my guardian angels? Where is the help that I beg them for?

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3

A Letter I Wish You Could Read

March 18th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

My new contact information is above. This is the information you should give to law enforcement and your lawyer.

Terror was the word I used to describe my feeling of believing that you would soon be moving on from me. Terror was the word you used to describe your fear of me after I lost control of myself and tried to kill myself after sending you text message after message apologizing or stating why I thought I should die or why I thought you didn’t want to be with me(the reasons you gave were just so very untrue about myself and I thought there was no …

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8

Vows

March 14th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

What kind of vows are out there aside from marriage vows?

I understand that there are common-law marriages wherein a couple lives together for a certain time and are then deemed married although they’d never taken any legal action to certify the marriage.

I understand that there can be a vow between any two people or any number of people(e.g. I vow to do…)

 

So, what makes one vow stronger or more acceptable than the others?

 

A friend of mine recently argued to me that a breakup that I’d gone through could not compare to the troubles(a temporary separation) in his marriage. He went on to list everything he’d …

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1

what am i supposed to do?

March 8th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

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8

Love and Obsession

March 6th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

What’s the difference between love and obsession? Between panic and heartache?

I am in love with a woman I cannot talk to until the end of the month. Things ended disastrously; when the relationship was ending I panicked and made a foolhardy attempt to save it by attempting suicide; she left forever.

Deep within me I know I still love her, but all I hear is that it’s only obsession. I’ve heard that obsession can be delineated when the desire becomes harmful, painful. If that’s the case, then what is mourning but only an obsession with an individual that has died?

I know I’m going to contact her …

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0

The Death of My Spirit

March 5th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

I guess this is what complete sadness feels like…to be completely hopeless(hope is only magical thinking anyway). I know why I pushed my ex away in those last few days. But, I’ll never know when or why she decided to leave(she was “gone” before I pushed her away); everything is an assumption.

I know you said if it was true love then I’d do everything I could to find it again, even with someone else. But, do you remember what you said to me when you were separated from your wife and living with Friend B? You said you would never love anyone as much as …

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9

death

March 3rd, 2012by QuixoticNomad

Previous to the latter weeks of February I did not completely understand why it was that mentioning suicide and even attempting suicide was such a big deal. I didn’t understand why it would hurt someone when I said “choose me or yourself” or why it worried people when I mentioned suicide when it didn’t hurt me or worry me. In thinking about those circumstances I realized that I don’t value my life as much as others value my life.

How did I come to the conclusion that my life isn’t worth anything?

What I learned in my pre-college years was that all of my feelings are wrong …

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3

My Permanent State of Being Wrong

March 3rd, 2012by QuixoticNomad

Apparently everything I feel is wrong. What I feel towards her is all wrong. It isn’t love that I feel towards her, but something else entirely that is unknown to me. Is it obsession? So be it. Because it is only obsession, even when she and I were in and relationship what I was feeling towards her was wrong because what I felt then is what I feel now. Only, now the added weight of missing her has been added to the mix. But, wait. I can’t miss her because what I feel is wrong. So, I don’t miss her. And if I don’t miss …

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0

Magical Thinking

March 1st, 2012by QuixoticNomad

It seems to me that everything about a relationship is involved in some kind of “magical” thought process otherwise its like a business – a cold emotionless exchange of “product,”(e.g. time spent together is comparable to buying cotton balls).

If you love someone then that is yielding to magical thinking. Love can be defined as an ineffable level of affection toward a person; if something is incapable of being expressed or if it is indescribable(i.e. there are no words to define it) then it is not natural(i.e. conforming to the ordinary); if something is not natural then it is supranatural or magical(i.e. producing awe).
Love is not realistic; love is inappropriate.
With

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8

Media and Society’s Impact on Me

February 27th, 2012by QuixoticNomad

My favorite movies when I was growing up was Lethal Weapon and An Officer and a Gentleman which was. I was approximately six years old when I saw both of these films.

In the movie Lethal Weapon a dominant theme is that of the insanity of one of the main characters, Detective Martin Riggs, and his suicidal behavior brought about by the trauma of the death of his wife. While in An Officer and a Gentlemen a major point in the plot is the suicide of one of the main characters, Sid Worley. Sid commits suicide after his lover rejects his proposal of marriage(because Sid dropped …

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