Today felt like a rollercoaster for me. my day started pretty good, yeah I had some troubles with waking up and getting out of bed, but that’s quite normal for me. I was at time for my therapy. I have 5 days a week therapy from 9 am till 3 pm. Well, also that started prettu good, until the section visual arts. We had to draw the vulnerable side of ourselfs. I became very emotional of my drawing (I was drawing the word ‘trust’ with the first t as a cross) and when we were done, we had to say what you’ve had drawn and […]
Rants
i want to cut severely deep.
i want to hit myself with the hardest things, as hard as i can.
i want to drown in my tub with heavy rocks holding me down.
i want to never speak again.
i want to take all the pills i can find.
i want to purge until my throat is raw.
i want to never eat again.
i want to say good bye and mean it.
i want my body to fail me.
i want the blood to keep pouring.
i want the darkness to eat me alive.
pulling me further and further down.
i will be no more.
nothing.
gone.
if only […]
Feeling overwhelmed again and feel that crazy need to DO something; so I am going to write as honestly as I can in hope of clearing my head and maybe helping others to not feel so alone..
I am 19 years old, going to a community college in hopes of learning everything I can about computers and eventually getting a PhD. (programming and hacking take me to a different place, a place where I am extremely intrigued and life actually seems interesting because there is so much to it.)Â Normally I just get tired of waking up to the same routine everyday, not so much that […]
I keep struggling with reality. The worst part is I have no one to talk to– no friends, only acquaintances. I wonder what would happen if I just start freaking out in middle of a lecture. Screaming and what not… I’m afraid that I want to do that so much that I’ll realize I’m actually doing it, and not just fantasizing about it.
I wonder what it’s like in a mental hospital. Do I belong in one? If I poured each and every though out of my head to someone will they ship me off? I think I would like it in one of those […]
my friend took his own life on march 18, 2013. he gambled with his own life as he spun the cylinder to his prized .45 revolver, looked dead into his best friend’s eyes and pulled the trigger… he had a 1 in 6 chance of death and he took that- he left no warnings before hand… i dont think he thought it would go off… Â but it did… and now he’s gone…….. he thought he had no one but his best friend- and even then, he knew he was gonna move in with his girlfriend and Robert would be homeless and living in his […]
“I don’t understand why we must do things in this world, why we must have friends and aspirations, hopes and dreams. Wouldn’t it be better to retreat to a faraway corner of the world, where all its noise and complications would be heard no more? Then we could renounce culture and ambitions; we would lose everything and gain nothing; for what is there to be gained from this world? There are people to whom gain is unimportant, who are hopelessly unhappy and lonely. We are so closed to one another! And yet, were we to be totally open to each other, reading into the depths […]
i haven’t cut in 5 months. sometimes i burn myself, punch things, smash my head on my bed frame; but it feels different to me. it’s like cutting seems like a waste of time to me now because it’s not bringing me any closer to death and i just have to stare at it after. my art show is getting closer and i just found out that one of my favorite musicians is coming to boston in august… that’s something to look forward to if i’m alive. i don’t really know how i’m feeling. this is just a rant i guess. i still have no […]
I used to be this happy little girl who only saw good in the world, nothing could keep me down. Now its like the smallest thing makes me want to pop a bottle of pills… maybe its because it all builds up. My mother has said so much about my weight, along with others, that everytime its mentioned i want to go purge. When it comes to people i dont even know anymore. I dont want to be alone but sometimes i dont want to be around others because i know that half the time people wont be focusing on me. I dont see point […]
So I’m 14, I know too young to be feeling this way. But I have no confidence I cant stand looking in the mirror I hate myself. I’ve been breaking down a lot, nothing but crying this isn’t the first time but its never been this bad. I literally have been having suicidal thoughts everyday, its gotten to the point to where I almost started crying in school today. I barely started cutting again. I had stopped in like November-ish of last year I think. But its been awhile and I started up again like in April I think. I’ve written so many suicide letters its ridiculous. […]
I just need to get it out. I’m 30 in July. I’ve never once had a job. I’m mentally disabled but can’t get on disability. Everyone treats me like I’m trash not worth helping. I’ve been bullied all through school, treated like I’m scum by the government, and my own family looks at me with contempt.
All I do anymore is sit and cry. When I try to talk to anyone it’s always “What do you have to be depressed about.” I can’t afford to get help, the government keeps denying me help because my parents aren’t complete assholes, and every place I apply to looks […]
I have tried it all. I hate therapy. I hate it. I went in with an open mind, I swear. I didn’t want to take medication. And I didn’t want my parents involved. I was forced to have a family session. I was pressured into seeing a “crazy” doctor. He gave me stuff. I never even take Advil. But I said I’d try for my boyfriend. I constantly forgot. Constantly. Even when I set alarms. Therapist guiled me about it every time we met. Set second appointment with doctor. Ended up not being able to go. Now, he says my parents have to be involved […]
I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m so uncertain of everything. My mind is playing tricks on me. I have no idea what’s going on in my mind. Depression has taken over every part of my life. It’s taken over my thoughts, emotions, and actions. I feel like I’ve fallen off the right track. I feel like I have no control over my own life. I just don’t understand. Why did this happen? Does it even matter? If I get better am I just going to fall back down and feel as miserable as I do now?
I wish I wasn’t born. I wish […]
I finally have had enough with the emotional and physical abuse with everyone in my life. It is not like I have a best friend to tell all my problems to and receive advice from so I have decided to take a step forward and see a therapist.
I am partially excited about this decision because I can finally allow myself to open up without worrying about my secrets getting out but I am also afraid to tell about my feelings and emotions because what if he/she thinks I am a freak? A nothing.
This is my first step towards freedom from the dreadful memories that bind […]
Laying in bed listening to ohio is for lovers…reliving my teenage emo days lots of love for Hawthorne heights you got me through some of the toughest times of my life…and now I find I can depend on you once more <3
As I grow older I feel less and less connected to the world around me. Now in my mid twenties I think back to when I was younger, I battled with depression and suicide but I still had enough drive and energy to continue pushing for a better tomorrow. But nothing changed for the better. My fear and annoyance of others grew until I completely stopped attempting to build friendships. I have no home to return to full of love and support, only the lonely house filled with my shit. Shit I don’t need. I work as a stripper and the problems of the world […]
I legitimately want to die.
I can’t tell anyone.
They say I’m a good person. That may be true. But I feel like dead weight. I really do not want to talk myself out of this.
I hate the idea of not being able to make a truly positive impact in someone’s life. It feels like the people closest to me find me intolerable.
I feel intolerable. For thinking this at all, I feel it is all the more reason to stop monologuing and go through with it.
I’ve killed myself so many times in my mind.
I don’t know who I am.
Blame it […]
it’s not that no one notices me, it’s just that the only people that notice me are repulsed by my existence. i’m too young, too ugly, too fat to love. in school all of my friends are guys. straight girls pretend to fight over me but no one really wants me. it’s all just a joke. i’m actually not feeling that bad today. i’m in school, preparing for my art show, working my ass off staying busy. but still; i’d rather be gone than be here. i’d rather be bleeding, or high, or dead.
They want to send my back to the hospital, and i don’t even care, i don’t care about anything anymore…putting weight on, breaking things, mess…my scars…it all used to push me to the point id freak out and cry and cry and cry. Now, i just don’t care i just lay in bed and wait, wait for they day i get the chance to end it all…i never thought it’d be possible to not care and to feel a world of pain at the same time. But it really is, the only other time iv felt This Bad, was when i last attempted to kill […]
I think its amazing just how naive people can be… I am starving myself to the point were I wont eat for days and when I do eat ill discreetly throw it back up… my friends and family think im just on a diet that is actually working for me little do they realise I am killing myself in the slowest way possible so nobody has to find a bloody mangled mess that would be my body if I was to take the conventional way(cutting). I know its no ones problem but my own but it just feels good to let this out because although […]
Everything I do I end up quitting or giving up on. I have nothing to live for. I mean what is the point. I see a lot of people happy and I see great potential in them to have an amazing life. As much as I wish I could be like them I’m just not and I never will be anything. Other than my family a few close friends I don’t even think people wold care if I died. And I really want to die, but I’m not going to kill myself for two reasons. One, I don’t know how/too scared to do it/don’t want […]