I thought telling myself im getting better
Telling you im getting better
Will actually make me feel better
But its not
Its just makes me feel lonelier more than before
Trapped in my box of lie coating with happiness
Im so sorry i choose to left this way
But even if i ask and scream for help
You wont help me
You wont be here
Only my smile and cheerful side makes you happy
Makes you closer
Guess everyone loves the sunshine
But forget about the rain in the same sky
Rants
There are so many things i should prepare for my mom, dad, sis, best friends, friends, and enemy.
But do i really need to do all of that?
Im afraid they will be sad cause im gone
But will my letter and gifts makes them understand what ive been thru or makes them less sad?
Should i jump from a building?
Should i drink the mix of drugs?
Should i cut my neck/wrist?
Im so afraid to live yet im afraid to hurt them too
At the same time
Im happy cause there will be someone crying in my funeral and to leave this painful feeling
Ive been […]
this was a draft i wrote when i first joined and didnt post. I think it’s still true now. Everyone is feeling much more distant though. It’s my own fault.
I love you, some days
Some days I wake up so full of love but just as dysfunctional.
I want to tell everyone I let persuade might actually like me that I love them and to thank them for being there for me all these years through my computer screen. I love them so much. Thank you for being here. I don’t deserve it but thank you.
On these days I feel like I could almost do anything […]
12/19/2022
i’m so tired. i’m 19 going on 20 years old and i’ve done absolutely nothing to show for it. i’m a quitter – i’ve quit on everything and everyone in my life except for the shitty drugs and the sex, the DIY piercings, the self-harm… i quit on everything that actually mattered.
i’m not going to ever get better. my bpd’s gonna strangle me the rest of my life.. so what’s the fucking point? might as well beat it to the punch, and sign off.
if a therapist were to evaluate me at this moment, i’d be fucked. grippy socks […]
Living with BPD sucks donkeyb@lls. I was doing okay, somewhat good even. I worked hard on this. Worked hard on healing. Then I have a problem that I go deeply into with my friend and I point out, that she’s just shrugging it off. How maddening, like I don’t have enough problems. Then she’s trying to pull focus on herself “Why do you always assume this and that about me”. Excuse me.?! I’m dying inside and she’s pretending that it’s okay to be a half-assed friend at this moment. Then she makes up a reason to get out of the conversation. If she doesn’t come […]
It had been such a good day. For once, it was good.
He and I were texting like we do every day, and then it all came to a screeching halt the minute he told me how some random girl, “about early 20’s” came up to him, said something about how she needed to get rid of the flowers she was holding, gave them to him and left. And he was in awe.
It was all he could talk about, was a stupid girl and her flowers. (Emphasis on the stupid part.)
He texted me, telling me all about it. How she just got in […]
I’ve never been good at expressing my emotions. Whether I laugh it off, or say I’m okay, or avoid it like the plague, I know I’m not. It’s funny, (you can laugh) because some people might say that makes me a pathological liar.
However, sharing this with complete honesty and no take backsies, I hate the idea of being vulnerable. I hate talking about my issues. I hate that I hide it so well, everyone is either too stupid to believe it or too insignificant in my life to care.
What I hate even more though, is feeling like a burden to someone. Shocker […]
Ever since I can remember, I’ve had problems making and keeping friends. ive felt so lonely recently, and i feel like no one can help me, no one wants to help me
It’s slam poetry, so it’s better if I say it, but here it is
“is there a feeling that takes over you?
is there a feeling that just feels so… huge?
like a mountain of problems, of “oh, you’ll be fine”, of no way to solve ’em, and confusing your mind.
is there a feeling like that, makes you feel oh so flat.
makes you feel numb, feel defeated,
makes you feel that you were cheated.
by those who promised you’ll be […]
Hey hello you there.. if you see this post may you keep reading.. i really need your help.. SO
There will be a wedding party around 2 weeks from now. The groom is one my best friend and the bride is a fake friend/ a witch/idk what i should called her. As you guys know im battling my depression for 2-3 years and i just getting better this month, struggling by myself without medical, parents, or friends help.
Now i am fatter like 10kg more than before. Ive been locking myself all these years and doesnt want to meet my friends. One of the reason why […]
I remember when i did acid with them i was on the phone with someone i liked and i cared so much about that person more than the person i was with that when they said something rude to them i acted out of violence and i don’t think i could ever forgive myself for that. Even if i was on fucking drugs i put a piece of shit first. It caused a bad trip for me too because i realized what i did immediately after i did it and instead of being truthful i lied to protect myself. i told them idk why it […]
I feel like i fucked up. Things haven’t been easy lately and i’m very aware that it’s not an excuse. I tried a “drug” recently it’s not an actual drug but it’s a household object that can get you high. I introduced it to one of my siblings while i was on it because honestly i was selfish and wanted to keep doing it that day. I haven’t really touched it since due to the guilt. It’s just hard because she’s a few years younger than i am. I want to confide in someone i know with this information but i’m too afraid they’ll lecture […]
i dont know why but i cant handle looking at myself. it makes me want to cry but i just cant. i seriously dont even know why this happens. i have a boyfriend but i know he could do so much better than me. i look at myself and i just want to disappear. my existence is embarrassing. i dont want to know what other people see. all of my friends are so pretty and i cant help but feel ugly.i dont even know if im ugly. i just want someone to tell me the truth. i dont want people to lie and […]
it’s been a while since i posted here
they put so much pressure on me to know what i want to be doing in the future though the way they act, it’s hard to know what i should be doing in the present. it’s hard trying to follow their every command, trying to be perfect.
it’s so confusing.
i have this girl who calls herself my friend, but i’ve never said i’m hers. i hate her so much. she’s so self-centered, and the few times i’ve attempted to bring up my own problems(never again) she always makes it about her, and brings up her own. it’s […]
the only thing keeping me alive is my plan for when i go back to school, which will be next year.
i plan to commit in january 2024 at the top of my school building. i honestly hope i follow through with it. i’ve tried committing over 30 times these past 4 years, in which they all failed as you can see.
every day i try to find a reason to stay alive (in which i always succeed). but today, i really can’t find one.
nobody actually understands my sadness. i hate it honestly. but then again, they haven’t been through what i’ve been through so of course they wouldn’t understand.
another thought: would things actually be better if i jumped off a ledge? if i drowned myself? i would think so. but then again, when my aunt died, which was earlier this year, i kept having dreams of her being in pain knowing that she’s dead. what if i’m the same way when i die? then committing suicide would be completely useless. am i going crazy? i feel like i am. maybe i’m living in a nightmare.
Last night, I was stressed. I feel like it’s just all my emotions beginning to leak out. I had a pretty bad headache too. I just kept slamming my palm into my forehead, hoping it would just stop. It gave me a moment of relief and then it just continued to hurt. I don’t like consuming medicine because it weakens your body’s natural fighting. It might sound like a stupid reason, but it’s not in the long run, it’s not. It’s like I’m stuck here, for 3 more years. It sucks. I still hate myself. my left arm still hasn’t healed and you can see […]
Life……it’s a complicated thing for many people. Some of it is brought on by ourselves, though some of it is thrown upon us outside of our control. Both good things and bad things work that way. Sometimes you have to take a step back to see the full picture to not get lost in the details, and sometimes you have to take a closer look at things to find your way through the forest. Balance won’t always be the same. The scales can shift. The weights can slide and you have to be ready for when they do. Not everything in the future is foreseeable […]
I am 17 and I was recently diagnosed with a chronic illness. I had already been diagnosed with two other ones, but this third one has really thrown my life out of wack. My parents and I have always had a bad relationship, but this new diagnosis has caused even more problems. I got behind on my schoolwork from a combination of this diagnosis and mental health issues. I ended up having to drop a class because I wasn’t able to keep up. That’s where we are at today. I tried to own up to my parents about what happened before they found out from […]
so like i completely forgot about this site for the past two years
with coming back and reminiscing, it’s kind felt like a fever dream
i posted poems that i had completely forgot i had written that could definitely use some revisions
this isn’t me typing out one of those “i’m back!!” posts but i kinda just wanted to share my thoughts; it’s not like anybody was awaiting my return however
i will say that i haven’t moved on from the whole poetry thing really; in fact i’ve been published a few times, one of the poems being one the one i’ve posted here
but anyways i’ve actually been doing […]