I’m almost 38 and have done nothing with my life i feel like life has passed me by and i’m not going anywhere. I came to this site hoping i could meet people with similar interests

i have been having alot of suicidal thoughts, i do cut mywrists, just i have had a very rough life, i lost my mom and was abused by my dad but not anymore, i feel like hanging myslef and cutting my wrsits to watch all the blood fall out from my body and watch myslef die, i mean i know i have friends and all but half the time they cant be there for me, i have been having alot of suicidal thoughts lately, i want them to stop but i dont know how i can get them to stop, its gotten to the point where im in my garage looking for something to hang myself wiht, i just dont know what to do

After I masterbate hahaha this is actually serious please help me out

everyone deserves to be loved. no one should go through the pain i suffer through. its not fair for one person to have everything, caring family, friends, lovers, supporters. and then i have nothing. i work so hard on being happy. i have no friends, they all abandoned me. i have no family. my mom hates me. she just told me i cant ever come to her house again, even thogh she knows i have absolutely no where else to go. if it wasnt for my boyfriend, i would be dead now. but things arent looking good for us anymore. going in depth and typing out all of my problems in my world will not solve anything. and honestly i just have way toooooo many problems. im here to say that instead of color, all i see is grayness. its like im dull now and theres nothing left of me. i can no longer take the pain from my peers.. if they want me to die, like im sure they do, or they would be nice to me, then they get their way finally. i am done with feeling soooo sad over a simple thing like being loved. i feel used, abused and fed up. there is not one thing to live for. there hasnt been my whole life. i am nineteen. and done.

My life isn’t hard. In fact, it’s pretty easy. Top school. Top university. Loving parents. Amazing friends. But having pushed through devastating bouts of M.E. and having been plagued by depression since I can remember, this time, I can’t seem to do anything but cry. Loneliness and hopelessness pervades my every thought. All I can think about is pain. My head hurts constantly. I feel sick constantly. The panic and fear never leave my body. I am stuck, watching life go by, while I’m paralysed. I can’t move. Not forward. Not productively. Exhaustion never goes away. Apathetically, I watch the world. Unmoving. Even though I’d do anything to move. Anything to remove the block that prevents my every positive action.

I take a flame to my arm, and all I can think about is taking a knife to my wrists. Ending the sadness. Ending the loneliness. Ending the unnameable fear. I try my best to ignore it. I ring my friend, whom I hate to disturb with my stupid thoughts. But I know that without that lifeline, I would find that knife. I’d do something other than draw red lines in Sharpie felt pen where I wish I had the courage to drag a blade. I don’t know why. All I know is that the pain I have in my head is getting too hard to cope with. I’ve got a psychiatrist. I’ve got a therapist. And yet, all I can do is feel worse. I talk things through, get them straight in my head, lose myself in company. And then I’m back on my own, back in the dark, feeling like nothing’s changed. Drowning.

I don’t know if I can bear to hurt the people I love. But I don’t know if I can bear the screaming in my head for much longer. I don’t know if I can carry the burden of these terrors much further. I don’t know if my nerve, my control, will hold out; if I’m strong enough to keep going, not for my own sake, but for theirs.

I just don’t know.

In some ways, that’s what hurts the most.

I happened upon this website today, and I’ve been reading some of your stories, and that compelled me to sign up. I want to tell you a bit about me, and why I came here.

I’ll start by telling you a bit about myself: I have a terminal, muscle degenerative condition called Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA) – I am in a wheelchair and can’t do much on my own, my muscles are so weak that I can’t even lift a glass of water. I have had many problems in life, physically, mentally and emotionally, from growing up in an abusive household to being forced to live on my own at 17. When I was 14 and my parents had finally split up after years of horror that still affect me today, I became very depressed and started on a downward spiral that eventually led to attempted suicide. The agonizing pain from a messed-up operation when I was 10 was very difficult to deal with, I become addicted and dependant on pain killers, my life at home was hell, and I felt so alone, that I was just a burden on everyone, and that noboby cared and would be much better off without me around – not to mention the daily fights with my mom and having her tell me every day that she hated me and wished she would’ve put me in a home when I was little.

I hid my feelings and  put on a mask for everyone, inside I was so empty and hurting so badly. I cried myself to sleep every night, and just wished that it would all go away and I could be free of the pain and lonliness that filled me completely. When I finally did tell my mom how depressed I was and needed help, I got no compassion; she didn’t even believe in depression and thought it was something you just have to ‘get over’. I was kicked out of the house when I was 17 because my mom’s boyfriend said that either I go, or he does. I had to drop out of highschool just 6 credits shy of graduating, and was forced to live in a care facility where I was neglected, abused, and had my medication stolen. I finally sought help for my depression and was put on anti-depressants, finally got out of that place and got an apartment with my wonderful, loving boyfriend who is now my fiancee. He came into my life at my lowest point – when I thought nobody would ever want to be with me because of my condition – and he truly saved my life, I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for him.

Because of things that happened during my stay at the care facility, I have now been 5 years bed-ridden, but I’m happy. I was given a prognosis as a child of having a 30 year life span, and being 24 that scares me a lot. My whole perspective on life has changed, and I want to do whatever I can with the time I have left. The point of writing this is to tell people that no matter how bad your situation may be, or how helpless and hopeless you feel, anything can change at any moment and turn your life around, and there is always something to look forward to, even something as simple as eating a favourite food. I am thankful for what I have, and I don’t dwell on what I don’t have, as well as focusing on what I can do rather than what I cannot do (I would go completely crazy if I did). I’m thankful to to be alive and for everything/everyone in my life, and I’m so glad that I didn’t end my life when I so desperately wanted to.

I still have bad days, like everyone does, but when I get down I think about all the positive things in my life, and I think about all the people who are much worse off than I, and I remind myself how lucky and grateful I am for what I have and for everything that we often take for granted. I want to help you, please write to me and I promise I will do whatever I can for you. My e-mail is xcreature_of_the_nightx@hotmail.com  You are not alone, and you can turn your life around and be happy, despite how impossible you think it may be. You have a caring, trustworthy friend here for you, I hope to hear from you <3

All my love,

Corinne.

lately i have had suicidal thoughs and they got progresively worse to were i think about it every day, it started with my parents got a divorce and my mom started yelling at me and acting like all i do is make her life worse and then at school people treat me like a freak just because im the tallest one outa everyone, the people who i thought were friends didnt even care to check on me when i was in the hospital for a month and a half and then to make matters even worse the girl who i thought i was in love with left me for another guy without saying anything… now i have tried a couple ways of sucide and none work….i tried o.ding turned out my body was immune to the meds (go figure) then next i tried to cut myself and just covered it up without thinking after i got dizzy and its still slowly getting worse but i dont know what else to do anymore its not like theres any point in staying around

Now I’m not going to give you all some sob story about how horrible my life is because personally I find that extreamly annoying, I’m just here to share my thoughts on why I’ve decided that although the life I have had has been absolutely amazing I feel my time is up on this planet. I’m 16 on my way to be 17 (yes I am well aware I am young) and I’ve been suffering from several extreamly painful chronic illness (most likely as a result of being a premature twin who was born breach).  Now I’m not trying to annoy any of you with my complaining but the pain over the last few years has been horrible. I have a rare form of asthma so I’m on a particularly high dose of steriods which have taken it’s tole on my body (which would happen to anyone with 15 years of heavy steriod use). My heart is weak and the medication isn’t helping very much of it’s problems, along with that my joints are very brittle and weak but that’s also a result of my type III Von Willebrand’s disease (joint bleeding is one of my many unpleasures). I also suffer from chronic migraines that don’t react to pain medication and have caused me to become a narcotic addict. Daily life is slow and painful for you it’d feeling like you have a bad case of the flu I suppose. My constant vomiting doesn’t help and although it happens daily we’re not quite sure why my body reacts in such a way. I suppose you can say I’m for euthenasia for the chroniclly ill and in pain. Imagin you’re dog suffering from a painful arthritis that makes it’s life miserable so you take it out of it’s pain, it’s the same for us. Now I’m very religious and I have never once blaimed God for my situation but I have prayed for him to let me go early and easily so I won’t be a strain not only on myself but the people around me. My medical bills are too much for my father to handle (my mother I do not speak to for she has become more intrested in heroin and her cocktail of pills than her own daughters which is fine it doesnt bother me I have a very loving father who supports me and tries his hardest to give me everything he possibly can). I’m a burden to everyone who is near me as they are constantly worrying about my condition and if I were to get hurt. I perfere to leave them peacefully as much as it hurts my heart to leave them it would be best for all of us. I realise they will be upset and at a loss but I have a long detailed letter personalized for all of those close to me explaining why I have chosen to release myself from this body. I’m not sure when my “event” will take place but I imagin it will be within the next month so I have time to perpare. I don’t want any of your pitty or telling me I have so much to live for because honestly I don’t. I can’t work or have children, I’ll most likely need a heart transplant by the time I’m 30, and everyone I’m close to will just have to watch me suffer with the depression of knowing I’m not like everyone else, that I can’t do the things the rest of you people do. All I can do is sit and watch my life go by being uneventful and lifeless, and that’s the worst thought of them all. So now I wish you all a goodbye and hope whatever it is in your lives that are troubleing you, you can over come and be strong unlike myself who’s decided to take the easy way out. So goodbye until we meet again somewhere beyond this world that God has given us. I wish you all the best.

~Megan

I don’t like to complain, my problems are my own, but at this point it kind of concerns the world outside me.  What I do by my self or to my self is my business, lately though it’s a matter which can possibly involve other people, maybe random maybe not.  2 years ago i had an episode involving a whole lot of alcohol, my gun and an “interaction”, i was on my way to either do it my self or get some cops jumping.  nobody got shot, i was simply to drunk, and actually barfed in the cop car.

Basically since I have crossed that point I’m not really all that concerned with the well being of the ones that make things difficult for me, and at times I’m really temped to , you know, cross that line and simply let’em have it.  What consequences when I’m living day by day with constant thoughts of putting a bullet through my own head?

I’m definitely not homicidal and have out most respect for my fellow human beings, but these little pricks that think that they can get away with their petty little sh!t because of stereotypical social standards/system and the assumed cozy “blanket of law”, well, i’m afraid that in a given moment i just might shatter their delusion by tearing into them, literally.  For a few months now I had to deal with this one little weasel. I’m just sick of it, i can see right through him including how the gears grind in his stupid head,  and the last time I saw him i just wanted to put the fear into him, to see his eyes drown in a realization that life really is that fucking fragile and can end this abruptly, right here, right now, basically share with him how i feel on daily bases.  From that point I had to admit to my self the obvious, even though i will not enjoy such doing it will definitely bring a level of righteous satisfaction.  I do find enjoyment when I share, find a common understanding and see it being accepted, but unfortunately with most people basic fear is a much more effective tool.  To me that’s actually a dangerous combination/direction because I’m not an impulsive idiot, but a rather well informed and methodical individual, so I’d plan things accordingly, not out of fear or as a precaution from being caught, but out of sheer diligence.  Naturally if things get bad that will only progress my suicidal tendencies so it’s not really a problem.

Yeah i think I should stop for now.

Since a young child, around the age of seven I have felt depression,a depression that seems to have thickened over the years,no other answer have I found but death,I will not do this to feel relief,but to no longer feel at all, may your god bless you all….this is not my true inn. of hope so then I shall proceed to seek elsewhere