I had an argument with my father today, so I went to a park very close to me to ‘cool’ down. It’s a very small park (if you can even call it a park) with a large pond. The pond was frozen, there were a lot of small children ice-skating and stuff. I just stood there in the middle of the pond looking apathic. Nobody noticed me, they were all too busy having fun to notice a freak standing in the middle of the pond not moving at all. I secretly fantasized about undressing, laying down on the ice and freezing to death. Or making a hole and jumping in. Whatever, as long as it’s lethal. Hypothermia seems to be a reasonably pleasant death to me. I can’t get it off my mind, it just seems so easy. As I walked past my house I could hear a voice, rather strong. It was instructing me to come inside, go upstairs, cut. Yet I did not. I didn’t want to face my father, I had to cool down. At some point I decided that it didn’t make any sense to stay on the ice, so I walked off it to look for a place to sit. And then my mother showed up. She knew I needed to cool down, but she was worried. Worried? About what? What could possibly go wrong, she knew where I was, and what on earth could go wrong in a park full of ice-skating children and adults (most were there with …

I finaly got out the house but wishing i didnt because i just feel lile crying have so many negative thoughts that i wish could just go away right now im supose to be happy this is a party and yet i want to cry i need to go back home

I want to do it.

On monday, im planning again…. Apart from this time i haven’t made the mistake of telling ‘Everyone’. So my intention is to travel to a bridge…and you can probably guess the rest….

Life has not gotten better, its gotten worse? My OCD has. Fear of things are coming back…and my hands can tell you that, they don’t appreciate soap as much as i thought they would….

My family know ‘Everything’…at least thats what they think, they’re some things i havent told anyone….and probably never will….It has just made life awkward, and the arguements don’t stop, either about me or about my dad.

My new nephew still hasn’t arrived yet, It will be easier if we dont meet……..? Some people think that im getting better/happier, my actions will be the biggest shock to them, and of course they’re the few people who i want to feel guilty when i leave… because it may be partly their fault?

I also started self harming again, On the monday just gone, i was told that i have to move tutor groups…i got annoyed, and stayed out of 3rd lesson. when i went back i started to lose it..my slender grip on happiness started to slip away….and then my nail met my finger….the next thing i knew a sharp pain was increasing across the bottom part of my index finger….and it also started to gently bleed…All of the pain and hate and anger faded, even just for a few minutes….

And my new tutor? i really dont like it….i dont want …

So i got drunk yesterday.. Headache drives me crazy today.

but it was fun ! i took one of my best gf and we just were sitting, talking and drinking like hell. But it’s so nice to have so close talk. Usualy i listen people and don’t talk. Don’t know why. It’s not good, but it’s my way. I just know i am very good listener

But my problem with a bf and distance isn’t better at all. From amazing it’s going to shit. But he doesn’t understand that at all! For him everything is perfect So why i do feel like a shit? It’s logical – he spends time with a family, skiing, having fun and his day is not spent sitting and waiting for somebody. But as  a real scorpio i will throw him to my position soon.

I just don’t know yet how to deal with such relationship. It was really perfect first 6 months, really perfect. It seemed even too good, but i always knew that the fairytale will end one day.He even used to call me on 6 a.m. to see me first in the morning… He promised never kill romance. He did.

I put a note on my wall “everything ends.” I will put next “be patient & trust”. Probably it’s the only thing i can do.

I miss him so much.. I miss us. We are perfect team together.. But i don’t feel him anymore.It hurts so much :’(

Anyway, i know that one day he will have a perfect family, …

Open Wide-

they were found

then thrown away

by the useless man

on the useless day

found fiddling

with their pain and prosperity

hoping for a light

for a pit

to swallow him up whole

I just overdosed a couple days ago and havent been able to get suicide of my mind. It seemed like i was doing good i used to go to the er about three to two times a day for suicide attempts swallowing batteries and overdosing on pills i tried to hang myself once didn’t work out to well cause we live in a freaking apartment. I dont want to die and its hard to even admit when im suicidal to people cause it feels wrong saying it. I havent been admitted to a mental hospital cause mostly i lie my way out of it. Im scared of going back because i have a lack of self control and it can be traumatic. They force you to take medication by injection they’ll hold you do and do it against your will. plus your put in there with not just suicidal people but homicidal people as well one time a woman got slapped by one of the patients. So im not a fan. The things that sucks about being suicidal is having to hide that fact because youll get in trouble and having to lie about the scars on my wrist from burning and cutting.
What makes me feel suicidal is the fact that i live in the shadows of other people specifically my family. They all have friends that like them they go to school basically they have a life and i dont. I think i will always be alone in this world with voices …

i am a young mother. i lost my mom when i was 17. i had my son when i was 19. i love him and his father so much . we all live together. but life has been sooo…. messed up and it hurts me so much. i constantly battle with myself over everything. yes i have depression. and it doesnt help me being told i need to be fucking medicated, all the time. my dad disowned me. banished me from his life and my little brothers. i dont do anything. i recently moved to a city where i have no one. i cant talk to my fiance, he just makes me feel worse and we always end up fighting. my life revolves around him and our son. he tells me its all my fault and it is. but should i be punished and pushed away for wanting to be the best for them? i dont really want to be here anymore. i know i shouldnt say that because i have a beautiful child to think about. but he has his daddy who loves him and will care for him. i just dont know how much more pain i can handle. for my life being so short, i am exhausted. ive thought about all the ways i could end it… and i have plenty of time alone to do it. pills, boiling water over my face, drink and entire container of bleach. jump in front of a speeding car. he keeps pushing me away. im …

i’ve been going through many things, and i know how painful life.
if you need someone to talk to about anything, please email me at hayoungleee@gmail.com
i really want to help.

I have been taking them and i don’t think there helping and now that i am determine to give life a chance after years of just wanting to die i think its time for me to take charge of my life and make my own decisions after all no one knows whats best for me better than me. sure im scared that what my therapist says is true and i will get worst if i stop taking them. But mistake or no mistake all i know is i want to live and those pills just make me feel like a zombie. In the last week that i have not taken them i have had more energy than i usually have i actually dont need 15hrs of sleep anymore i’m ok with 10hrs. The weird part is that all this changes came from me losing my dog(my baby) she meant the world to me now that shes gone i know how much life is worth and how it should not be taken for granted. Its weird but losing her actually gave me hope. So no more meds for me i’m just going to stick with “MIND OVER MATTER” and hope for the best.

That night…. we were all standing together, ya know hanging out. Everything was going good. You seemed depressed. I knew something was wrong. I sat with you and talked. not knowing minutes later you were going to be gone. You said you had to go to the bathroom, which I didn’t think much of so I said Okay. Time passed. I went up to to the top of that hill where I found you crying. You took it right to the heart, then jumped back down to where we were sitting. You were almost gone. The paramedics couldn’t get down to where we were so they left the stretcher at the top of the hill. You stopped breathing as they came down to help carry you up the hill. You died in our arms. I never got to say goodbye. I never should have let you go to the “bathroom.” We all sat there crying with your blood all over our bodies. Few moments passed, and we went to the hospital to make see if they brought you back… but you were gone. Funeral was horrible, I kissed your face goodbye. I think your heart was cremated because your dad is weird but the rest of you went into the ground. You really were gone. you were only 16 almost 17. I miss you. I love you Jimmy. The night of November 30 2010