Sooo Tired

Soooo tired. Sooo tired of living. Sooo tired of existing. Sooo tired of being suicidal. Sooo tired of being me. Sooo tired of living situation. Sooo tired of trying.

Before I was hit by a car, I had dreams. I had a bright future. After the accident, I have nothing. My life plans dissolved and I am in a quagmire of misery. This quagmire has no ending and no beginning. It seems as if it has always been. I have existed longer after the accident than I’d existed before.

Was in the hospital, for unrelated reasons. The medical staff worried and called a psychiatrist. They (there were two) said that I am not mentally ill. There is no reason to have me committed to a psych unit. They understood where I am coming from. They understood that I am ready to quit living. It was validating.

A therapist recently told me that I have an “amazing life force”. What a bunch of crap. I told her as much. I have zero life force, I have a son.

The emotional and sexual abuse have driven me to the ground. No one hears me.

I haven’t attempted suicide in over 20 years because of my son. I don’t want to lose my freedom by being committed to a psych hospital. I simply have to exist in this never ending state of chronic suicidality and it is much too much for anyone.