Soooo tired. Sooo tired of living. Sooo tired of existing. Sooo tired of being suicidal. Sooo tired of being me. Sooo tired of living situation. Sooo tired of trying.
Before I was hit by a car, I had dreams. I had a bright future. After the accident, I have nothing. My life plans dissolved and I am in a quagmire of misery. This quagmire has no ending and no beginning. It seems as if it has always been. I have existed longer after the accident than I’d existed before.
Was in the hospital, for unrelated reasons. The medical staff worried and called a psychiatrist. They (there were two) said that I am not mentally ill. There is no reason to have me committed to a psych unit. They understood where I am coming from. They understood that I am ready to quit living. It was validating.
A therapist recently told me that I have an “amazing life force”. What a bunch of crap. I told her as much. I have zero life force, I have a son.
The emotional and sexual abuse have driven me to the ground. No one hears me.
I haven’t attempted suicide in over 20 years because of my son. I don’t want to lose my freedom by being committed to a psych hospital. I simply have to exist in this never ending state of chronic suicidality and it is much too much for anyone.