So much pain

February 24th, 2005by kerria

Today i said goodbye formally to my therapist, he knows as well as i do that i’m not ever getting better. We lived divided too long. my life is a terrible mess. i can’t live with my family anymore- they’re too frustrated by my parts , all the forgetting , the crazy sobbing of kids inside.

My dog died this week. i never knew how important that dog was to my little ones inside. All there is is a deafening crying and “Where’s Chelsea.”? All day.
No one in my family understands how hard it is being a multiple- they think that i have demons and if i just somehow forgot about my parts that they would go away. They never can go away. My husband left our dog after she died all night right here near the computer. i was with her when she died, it was so sad. i almost wanted to start her heart again but the vet told us she would never get better- showed the xrays but we couldn’t let her go. when she died, we let her go but now there’s such a grieving and emptiness- there’s no one to bury my face into and cry in her fur. and i have this constant crying.
i can’t stop crying .

Anyways i’m dying. i had severe pain that started about fourteen months ago that never stopped. We were a. as a child so it’s like a nightmare- it’s so triggering. Now we’re treated for the pain at least . first we had gyn surgery, still pain. The a colonoscopy, still pain. Then the family Dr found too much M-protein in my blood. My marrow is crowded with stem cells doing their own thing- not making enough red and white cells. A bunch of useless plasma cells and probably plasmacytomas are causing the pain, the new hematologist said. He didn’t know us enough yet to say that. i think he enen laughed at my switching. i could see a faint smile in his face when the job person came out to talk about loving her job in horticulure. There were too many chemicals . At least i know why i can’t hike the same way i did before. i wondered why i’d lose my breath at high elevations in Shenandoah and in WV mountains. i hate having opposite parts. Some parts are so against using any chemicals but we went to work and it was a different world. i just never could control it- i never could communicate.

i can’t deal with the pain anymore, and not being able to hike with the rest of my friends. i hate my life. It hurts so much every morning. i have to carefully watch when it’s time to take medicine or it will be too painful to control.

The new hematologist had a bone marrow biopsy done the day before yesterday. the male nurse loaded me up wil lidocaine and must have hit a vein- after the procedure my tongue and face and arms and legs became all numb too. It was so scary- like a bad dream when i had to lie there and wait for the numbness to wear off. i used to be a dental assistant and i was trying to remember what would happen if this was ever done by mistake.

Inside is so afraid of chemotherapy, so afraid of a bone marrow biopsy so afrain of pain. we just want it to be over. No one but God can help anyways. My littles read a book about “Doggy Heaven” and they just want to go. It looks so nice compared to the pain and fear here. and Chelsea is there. we won’t hurt anymore.

All i want to do is love my family- i’m too much of a mess and they don’t understand at all. i don’t understand how to fix it and they hate the fact that i went to therapy. They said that it made us worse. It didn’t- it just showed how much a mess we really are. No one likes it. No one likes me- the shattered monster-person i’ve become. i hope that they will remember the good days if i die soon. i’d like to be a survivor but there isn’t anyway to survive. It hurts too much and it gets worse everyday- we lose hope to survive.
tears.
kerria

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