no more pain

  October 17th, 2005 by Kate

I am 56 years old. I am tired of trying to make it in this world. I have struggled, and did what I had to do to live, and always looked for love and acceptance. I raised my kids by myself, they don’t need me to be a burden in their lives now. They are grown, married, and have families of their own. I cannot offer anything more to anyone, including myself. I have no more to give. I am not needed, wanted, and I don’t have a way to survive. I am scared, and mad at being forced into this predicament by circumstances and people beyond my control. I don’t want to face living in a shelter, or the streets. I don’t want to watch as what few possessions and cherished belongings are lost, stolen, or I have to get rid of. The ultimate despair is the feeling that I can’t change all that is happening, no matter what I do! Other people are in control, of me, my life, and what occurs. The only way to regain and maintain my own dignity is to take charge of my own death. At least I will have that! I am sick, both mentally, and physically, no money for doctors, and I will not grovel, and be treated like dirt by the people and agencies set up to help poor people. I have been on welfare, and I know how they are! If all I am left with is my pride, and maybe it is false pride, I dunno or care, it is MINE!
I will choose, the place, the time, and the manner of my death. I WILL SUCCEED!

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