I don’t know what I’m doing on this website. I’m not the kind of person Lifetime would want to make a movie about. I’m optimistic, I’m hopeful, I’m happy. I’m the kind of person that makes my mother sick when SHE’S depressed because I glow. But the truth is, the heart of man is such a complex thing. Here I am wanting to make something of myself, wanting to live a good life. Wanting to do something for others. I grew up in Christianity and for the early parts of my life it gave me the only hope I had. But now without that, now that I can barely believe in that, I get so upset because what’s the point of all of this? There are people in other places in the world who are in so much pain and I want so much to save them. But now I feel like I lack the tools, how can you truly heal a heart? People seem to like me as a person on a superficial level but I have learned that they are mostly so self absorbed that they only notice about me what I let them believe. They don’t know about the molestation, the hard times with my real dad, my mother’s abusive and drug addict husbands or the fire in the house. They don’t know that I know what it is to feel homeless, without roots, without lasting friends.
But my mother, she loves me so much. And my brother. And my life I keep living it for other people.
I had been sad and had thought of escaping through suicide time and time again throughout my life but it wasn’t till I broke up with the man who I loved more than anything else that I truly understood why commit suicide. Sometimes things in life hurt SO badly that you know there’s NO escaping the pain. Even for me. A person who is so controlled and compartmentalized there was no escaping the fact that it was gonna hurt like death and I had to go THROUGH it. But i survived. I didn’t give up. I looked off my balcony thinking about how quickly it would be over. Just one jump and it’d be over. But I made it through. Which is the only reason I don’t quit on life. Because I CAN make it through.
I always thought that suicidal thoughts were normal. After opening up to some people about these thoughts I’ve found that we are a rare breed. And those who TALK about being suicidal like all the time aren’t people who would actually do it. It’s those of us who feel so burdened by who knows what pain who DON’T talk about it because there’s no one to tell it to. Even if there are people in your life who you love and trust it feels like you just CANNOT talk to them. So you tell them what you know they want to hear. I’ve tricked psychologists since I was 8 years old. I’m an artist, a master at the masquerade. No one can read me completely. And I doubt the world would want to. Anyway I’m glad I could vent on this website. I hope that everyone here will not quit. I don’t know why. Life is beautiful. It’s a hard place to survive in. But I’ve made it through being called all sorts of names, being rejected, humiliated, abused, lied to, abandoned. This journey we have here no matter where it’s taking us; it’s beautiful. I wish I could say God loves you or something but all I can see in life is my own purpose amongst people. I bring sunshine… how ironic that me the one who wants to die to escape this place makes life worth living for others lol… and all this time I didn’t even know it. I’m going to be the best that I can be and maybe one day I’ll hear some small child in some foreign place telling me thank you and I’ll finally understand the purpose to all of this. I’ll find a meaning I must. But I know that I’ll never make it through life by living within myself, following pop culture, trying to fit in. I DON’T fit in.
The hardest part about life is that where ever you go there you are– your pain, your failures, your insecurities. But all I can do is be myself because there’s no one else who can do the job for me. So from one person to the next… hold on. Be your biggest fan as you strive to live because there are beautiful things out there. I have to keep believing that.