Large Dose of Pills

Well, I am on this site reading people’s situations and just can’t seem to find one similiar to mine whatsoever. I am 27 years old and I am completely lost in oblivian. I still have a huge scar running down my arm from when I tried to kill myself at 13 years old. Since then I have attempted suicide twice. Once I took about 100 aspirins when I was 15 and would have died but my mother found my suicide note in my room. My last attempt was when I was 20. I took an entire bottle of welbutrin. I was rushed to the hospital by someone who found me butt naked on the flightdeck of my old ship. I am not sure if I was hallucinating at the time, but it sure did seem like an angel was carrying me up to heaven. I had never felt so much joy as I arrived at the gates, but I was so overwhelmed in disbelief that I said “oh my god!!”. That must have been when the Master at Arms (navy police) held me down and restrained me because I was dropped by this angel at the same time and every time the gurney would tilt back and forth in the ambulance it seemed like I was descending further and further into hell. It seemed like a dark leperacy was eating away at my very being as the world around me diminished. All of a sudden some humongous muscular monster with eyes like fire was over me pushing me down into submission. I pushed back and all of a sudden I was back in the ambulance looking at some very panicky paramedics. After that experience I knew that this world was purgatory. I have a 4 year old son and the thought of him growing up knowing his father killed himself is unbearable; almost as unbearable as him knowing his father is total fucking garabge. I hate myself and don’t deserve to live. I am so alone and I hate it. I must repulse people so for them to not want to be around me or get to know me. I feel like I am a total monster. I have felt this way ever since my childhood friends thought I was gay because some 18 year old ****** tricked me into giving him head by playing the popular neighborhood game “truth or dare”. My 8 year old self then gave my 8 year old friend head at our 13 year old’s so-called-freind’s house. I was then confronted by a large group of people who asked me if I gave head to him, I said “yes! I won the game!” Aside from my uncaring mother and father who would beat the living shit out of me everyday of my life, the school found out about my fagginess as well and Lawrenceburg, KY is not a very nice place to be known as a fag. I then stayed alone for a very long time…well up to and including now…… and suicidal thoughts have never left my head. BTW, when I say alone I mean ALONE not the bullshit I lost my girlfriend crap. I have no friends, no familiy and I have never had any. Anyway, once again, even after the heaven and hell experience, I want to kill myself. Large dose of pills should do the trick. This time no one will fucking know.