I used to think that things were always going to be bright, new, and shiny. I swore to myself that nothing would go wrong, that i had all the potential in the world, and i could over come anything. My parents always assured me of this, and i could always put my mind to something and master it shorter than anyone i knew. But i never did manage to develope socially, and i grew up with few friends and even fewer people that cared for me.
I went through high school thinking that i was gay for the first two years, seeing as how i my obvious stunting, socially, left me without an ability to communicate and be friendly. I would assume that the opposite sex wasn’t interested in me, and the fact that the only people that would hang out with me were other guys. And being a very closed in type person, and with a father who hated homosexuals, blacks, hispanics, and anyone else that was different from him, i didn’t know who to talk to about what was going on in my life. I couldn’t go to my mother, i was just too embarrassed. I was ashamed of who i was, and i couldn’t deal with what was going on at the time.
Around my 11th grade year, i met someone named Emily. She was beautiful, she was everything that i held dear, and she was the sweetest entity in my life. I loved her. I would have literally killed for her, and i still will, but i wasn’t used to the idea of being involved with someone. When i met up with her, i latched on and didn’t want to let go, or allow her to do anything that would lead to her leaving me, and that is what ultimately pushed her away. I tried being the controlling, manipulative asshole that no one likes, and i even ended up abusing her a few times. I am not proud of this, i am terribly, deeply hateful of myself for such things. But when i started to lose her, i lost it mentally. I sliced my arm up, deeply, and attempted to slice my wrist. I ODed a few times, once on sleeping pills that ended up putting me in a adolescent mental clinic at UNC-Chapel Hill for a couple weeks. I’ve attempted to kill myself by wrecking, and i’ve thought about putting a bullet through my head, but i just couldn’t.
I lost her, and i haven’t been able to recover yet, and it has been nearly 7 months since. Ever since we started having problems, i’ve really felt useless. As if my life serves no purpose, no real meaning exists in my life. I just want to end my miserable existence every day, and i’ve recently thought about trying to just let myself get into situations that would eventually lead to me getting shot to death. Which is a portion of the reason why i’ve joined the Marines. But i almost hoped that this occupation would have left me feeling valued, worth something, but i feel more like a variable to an equation that no one would miss should it not show up. I’m a burdon on my family, draining away monies from my mother and doing things that cause the rest of my family to suffer financial hardship, and i myself can’t keep my funds in check. I don’t do anything well anymore, and i’m mediocre at everything. I can’t find anyone to give my life a purpose. I have no one to live for. No reason to survive.
I want to go to Iraq, get involved in a firefight, and purposefully expose myself so that i’ll die and my death will then cause my mother to recieve most of the benefits, while the girl i love so very much, Emily, would recieve a nice wedding gift from me for her and her husband, Daniel. I can’t stand the thought of being alive without someone to love, and i’m tired of trying to when all i end up doing is getting myself bogged down in situations that are over my head, that require me to be financially unsecure, and nothing means anything anymore.