Sad again

I feel terrible once again. It always happens at night, when there’s nothing to do and nothing to distract me. I feel okay with people but I don’t know, I can’t be social sometimes. I should have tried harder to kill myself before everyone knew. I should have taken more pills. Then things would be better now. Either I would be on medication or I would have gotten a better therapist because people would have known I was serious about wanting to die. Now if I try to kill myself it will be even more shameful because everyone is eager to help and already knows my problems. I don’t want to talk to my parents about this anymore, my friends can’t help and they’re sick of me which is understandable but still hurts. I know I’m not extremely depressed but I could really use a razor right now. I would love to be hit by a train, actually no because that would be my fault. I want a dumbass driver to run me over when I have the right of way, or some asshole to push me onto the train tracks. That’s the only way I can escape.