Help is never there

Why is it that when I actually reach out for help, it is never there? Why is it when I don’t want help or interference, it always appears? Why do others minimize my problems or say there’s nothing wrong with me? All I want is to quietly exist. But I cannot exist as I am now.
I feel anger so much these days. I don’t know what to do about it. I cannot release it and I cannot live with it. I went to a psychiatrist who said there was nothing wrong with me. I saw a therapist who met with me a few times and then proclaimed me healthy. When I tried to talk about hurting myself and self-destructive behaviours, he merely redirected the therapy to what he was comfortable talking about. The previous therapists I had seen I would not even allow them to know how bad I was hurting inside. Why was it that when I finally reached out for help, there was none to be given?
Now I find myself searching for new ways to turn my hurt and rage inside into physcal pain. If the pain I felt were real, then it would hurt and then go away. Instead it burns inside of me, flaring up occasionally making my eyes burn with the tears I hold in. Does anyone know how I can make it hurt? And then release that anger? I’m not a cutter. I can’t use alcohol, drugs, or nicotine as I am an addict in recovery. I need a way to cope that no one has told me about yet. I want to feel the pain so I know it is real. But I don’t think I want to die. But I’m not sure. I’m not sure what I have to live for.
I am a spiritual person. But my Higher Power, meditation, prayer, only lead me back to my anger. I pray for those that make me angry. I pray for the anger to be released. I pray for my Higher Power’s will to be done. I turn over my problems and life to my Higher Power. But still the fire burns. I don’t believe my Higher Power wants me to kill myself, but I’m not sure what purpose my living would serve.
For the most part, I’m OK with me. I’m not pretty, but I’m not ugly. I’m not fat, but I’m not skinny. The only thing I ever excelled at was using. And when I used, I didn’t feel the pain inside. Now I can’t use. But I can’t feel how I do. What do I do?