I’m feeling suicidal again, lets see if i last the month. I managed to pull myself through my last session of suicidal thoughts and depression. From mid September to mid November 2006 i became paranoid and suicidal, i honestly don’t know how i managed to pull myself through and get into 2007. But its happening again, i don’t know if i will survive it this time. I’m less hopeful this time.
Its coming on slowly as it did last time, building up, this time i cant see a way out of the hole I’ve gotten into. Can i make it trough to March, how about April? maybe i should just end it now and not prolong the agony. Whenever i think my situation is going to get better, it just gets worst, so whats next? i have no idea. I think my end would solve a lot of problems for a few people. It gets them what they want. Its now worth it holding on. I am just a failure.
I’m in more debt that I care to imagine, running into $1.5M, yes I owe money to every bank there is. I am a constant drain on the people around me and stopping is close to impossible. As long as I am alive, i will have debts and someone will come looking for me, why live a miserable life with no peace? really– why? I don’t have anything to live for. I’m not responsible for anyone, loosing my life would only mean that my family would have to deal with it, and they are used to not having me around. Its hardly going to be affect anyone.
Right now my head is swelling, tomorrow the depression is going to be worst, the people i love no longer speak to me and I’m on my own, not even a phone call to see how I’m doing, no ones asks me how i feel and sincerely wants to know. When i tell someone whats going on, even if I’ve known them for a long time, the quickly change the subject– after all I’m not supposed to have and show any cracks, I’m supposed to be completely resilient with no real feelings, I’m the person you can tell anything to, and can take it and continue on under extreme pressure. People openly doubt that i have feelings and emotions, everyone i know says that i have no real feelings. People will often ridicule and insult me and speak as if I’m not there. I often wonder what makes anyone believe i have no emotions.
I saw my mother today, possibly for the last time, looking at her- i kept thinking i should tell her this is the last time she will see me alive. She tells me how she feels, she never for once asks me how I’m doing, preaches to me about all the things that i have to do and what i should do to make her and my brothers lives better. She and they tell me how much better they are and what a failure I am. Everyone tells me about the failure I am. I’m a drain on everyone, if i die now, they will be free of me. Everything would be good, so everyone is better off dead. She could handle it. I should be strong and end it so they could be happy, I’m no longer scared to die, death enables them to continue on with everything they wanted. There is no difference in me dying by my own hand or someone else doing it for me, i have the strength to end my life. I am not weak- my life serves no purpose, I’m more use in death than in life.