hapiness is an illusion

i had cut myself, she made me promise to stop. i wanted to kill myself, i couldent leave her. she was always there for me for evreything, even when i wasent there for myself. i care about her. i know somethings wrong, she cuts herself in school… ALOT i dont know what to do, shes in so much pain, i want to help, i dont want her to be alone. i try so hard, but i dont think she trusts anyone, she yells “FUCK OFF WHAT PART OF LEAVE ME ALONE DONT YOU UNDERSTAND” she ignores me when i try to be there for her, i cant leave her alone, the truth is, im scared, i dont want to loose her. i feel so helpless that i cant help her. she has always been there for me, and it really hurts that she wont let me be there for her. shes given up, and i cant stand to see her like that. shes the only one i feel like i can talk too, no one around me cares enough. before i knew her, i had been suicidal, i thought about it alot and was planning on leaving. she saved me. she always cheers me up when im depressed, i dont know what id do without her. i cant stand for her to feel like this, but i dont know what i can do if she wont let me help her. id never forgive myself if anything happined to her. i dont know what the hell to do, im thinking bad things agian. i hate myself so much. i dont care about what happins to me, i just want her to live a happy life.. but happiness seems to me to be an illusion.