I feel like an anomaly. I’m 27 years old and have never so much as kissed a woman, much less had a relationship with one. When other people talk about the relationships they’ve been in or the difficulties they are having with romance, I find it hard to feel any sort of sympathy. I am entirely unable to empathize with them. I believe that people who get to be my age like this begin to become bitter and develop anger towards the opposite sex. I find myself having these reactions but try to suppress them. I want to act and be like all the other people my age who are capable of having healthy relationships with others but I despair. There really is no hope. I feel trapped.
I can’t talk to people about it. They don’t get it. I tried talking to a therapist once. After several sessions I was convinced that she was preparing me to be an old spinster. She wanted me to just learn to go out and enjoy life. But when I try to do this I don’t experience much joy. I don’t have many good friends, most live out of state. I am in a PhD program but am not enjoying what I do. Then again, I can’t seem to find anything that I feel passionate about. All the passion just melted away the older I got.
I used to be a Mormon and was a dedicated member of this religion. I ended up leaving for ideological reasons. It is hard for me to connect with people. I am very shy. I don’t know what comes after.
To be honest this isn’t a declaration of an intent to commit suicide. I have made the decision to never commit suicide. The only reason I don’t do it is I don’t want to hurt my family and friends, who I rarely see anymore. If I did it I would cause them a great deal of hurt. Still, life has become intolerable. I take pleasure in hardly anything at all. I wake up as late as i can every morning. I do as little as I need to get by in my program of study, but that won’t work forever. I am suicidal, but will not commit suicide. That decision is made.
Unfortunately, this means I am stuck. I am probably going to be miserable for the rest of my life and I almost hope that something bad will happen to me. Something that will kill me. But…since I am stuck I’ve decided to do my best to struggle towards being a healthy individual. I’ve heard most of the strategies but whenever I think I am making progress I feel like I go immediately back to square 1. I wish I could just end it all. But there is no point in thinking that way anymore. I indulge in self pity on a regular basis. I feel indecisive when I try to plan my way out of it. When I try to just relax and enjoy my day, I often find it impossible. My mind won’t shut up. It won’t stop spamming me with dark thoughts and fantasies. I wish I could just call up a magical faerie who with a wave of her trusty wand would fix my brain. My mind, is it merely at the mercy of my brain? Does my mind = my brain? Can I really end up altering the neural circuitry of my brain? I don’t know what I can do. This seems to be getting a bit repetitive. That’s the worst part about feeling depressed is it gets to be so boring after awhile. I’m pretty sick of it.
Well, I’ve just looked over what I’ve written here and I have to say, it lacks the right touch of drama, no pa-zing to really get the heart racing. No tales of parents molesting me, being horribly disfigured or grossly overweight. I don’t even threaten that I’m going to do it. I’m not going to commit suicide. Instead I am just going to suffer in my own private hell till I die. Nifty.