I made it for a few years this time with out getting depressed and suicidal. Had a number of anxiety attacks do to stress. I guess it was inevitable this time, I have been trying to overcome spinal surgery almost a year ago and still off work with a lot of drugs and still the same pain as when it all began. I can’t walk very well and have just lost hope that it will ever get any better. I am creating problems for my wife that she does not deserve. But I just can’t help it, it’s like waves coming over my head I know it’s coming and I know what it is and I just can’t stop it.
This time I have made my self a deal and I need it in writing to make me stick to it. The thing is I can’t kill my self until I get everything in order. I have to get money moved, bills payed off, throw out anything I don’t want anyone to find after I’m gone, get all insurance info. That is if they pay out if you kill your self I think I have meet the waiting time. I am hopping with having a purpose I will make it through this time. I keep things undone on purpose so I have this lead time. I just don’t know I left enough things undone this time.