i think about buying a gun

i am so tired. i wake up tired and i live everyday tired. i just wish that i didn’t have to do this anymore. i look at my life and i see nothing, i see someone who doesn’t deserve to live anymore. i don’t belong anywhere. i have never had friends and any time i thought someone liked me for me it turned out that they were just using me or trying to manipulate me for their own benefit or amusement. i’ve never been good at anything and i am not smart. i have nothing to offer the world, i just take up space. i’ve tried but nothing seems to work. i have no life, killing myself would just be finishing a job that is half way done already. i can’t keep living like this. i have been in so much pain for so long that it feels like a heavy weight wrapped around my waist pulling me down. i often pray to die in my sleep or to be killed in a car accident. i just want to slip away. no one would miss me, they would all be better off. i am a waste of perfectly good oxygen. i wish that i could just will my heart to stop beating. i have no joy in my life. i just want to die so badly. i never thought it was fair that we don’t ask to be born yet we have to live with the consequences. my mother should have had an abortion. i am so weak and pathetic that i can’t seem to do it all the way. the closest i can get is to take a handful of sleeping pills and i usually just get sick. i take so many of them so often that i am afraid that i am building a tolerence to them and now they will never do the whole job. i think about buying a gun a lot. i am old enough to legally purchase one but i am scared that i may survive and be brain damaged, i saw a t.v. show about some girl who tried to shoot herself and wound up making herself brain damaged and now she is a burden on her family. killing my self would be doing my family a favor and i don’t want to screw it up.