My life is pleasantly comfortable and I can’t complain about anything. I have a dream job and the money is great. I’m in a wonderful marriage with my lovely wife. We have a huge house and nice cars and stuff. If I were to ask for more, I’d be greedy. Sure I can hold out longer for a boat, a nice trip to Hawaii, or even just to see how the kids turn out, but why?
I guess it’s fair to say that self-termination is unfair to those around you and selfish in itself. I will never take that route but sometimes I think about it. Mostly due to just thinking that I’ve got all I could possibly need and have mostly done all that I need to do. The rest of it is just a long wait. It’s like being in the doctor’s office reading a magazine while you wait. It doesn’t matter what the magazine is or what you’re reading. You made it to the doctor’s office, which was your goal, and now your just doing something of no matter or difference. Sure the articles may be entertaining, informative, or even educational, but what will that matter when the doctor calls you in?
Although I am atheist, I am by no means anywhere near depressed or suicidal. I steer clear of those who are. My friends say I’m methodical and intelligent but introverted and almost anti-social, my wife says I’m obsessive but without passion, our kids know I’m stern and fair but distant, and my enemies would call me persistently stubborn. I say I’m a highly intellectual procrastinator. And deep inside places we don’t talk about, I consider everyone below me in intelligence, common sense, and rationalization. Frankly, I don’t like humans and I think they’re all a bunch of retarded barbaric animals. I am only humbled by our enormous Universe and all that we don’t know yet. Maybe I’m just not in the right circle of higher evolved friends.
I don’t drink, maybe a six pack per year, I don’t do drugs and I quit smoking more than a year ago. Anyone who knew me would say that I am boring and uneventful. But actually, most of my own excitement comes from my academic endeavors such as programming, 3D modeling, and electronic music composing. I’m not boring; everyone else is just too dependant on others for entertainment.
Back to the subject; suicide. For an atheist, in my opinion, death is not scary at all and is in fact a pleasant thought. No fear of judgment and hell fires to make the end unpleasant, just a closing of the blinds and nothingness. But atheists are also more appreciative and less wasteful of life than non-atheist, which makes my situation rather awkward. I will always go on with life and make the best of it, I know there are untold adventures ahead of me, but adventures or not, heaven or not, when its over does anything else I do from this point forward make any more sense? I have done all I care to do and have all I could possible need, this would be a great time to make an exit, while I’m on top, happy, and content.
I hope I don’t get carjacked on the way home because I’ll take that thief on a ride he’ll never forget, if only just for my own amusement, adventure, and excitement. But seriously, I’m all smiles and happy, but I’m finished, I’ve had enough, and I’m tired. What else is left? I guess I’ll just wait and see what time throws at me and hope that it’s something good. Of course, you make your own future and adventures. Is it just possible that maybe a big change is all I need? Maybe so, maybe its what we all need.
1 comment
maybe look closer at those magazines you read in a doctors office and you will know pointless.
the more comfortable you are the more you got to lose. i understand that
unfortunately your right- we are barbaric pricks including you- because social discourse and its problems have its own momentum. I’m not interested in having what others have, except some land- but thats owned too, and people are paranoid who’s in their territory, if people would just realize everything is energy then maybe people would have more of a purpose in life. but personally my faith is rocked by those working towards creating a world a better world that they are directly creating the opposite. everyone deep down has anxieties about themselves and can secretly pile guilt on other undetected. thats the most shit thing in the world because humans seem to have do idea they are doing it- even those who claim to be the most generous and kind of us. its seems to come down to people not being able to contradict themselves because people are cannon loaded with a guilt ball just waiting to explode to gain the social upper hand and moral standing, shifting perspectives and even concepts of right and wrong when its most advantageous- hiding behind a mask- we are afraid of being exposed so i can reside on someone else land- even if its more than a square mile. so everyone is squashed in the cities, and the best deceivers and nepotists claim the spoils. at least our kids wont have to know our relativistic and selfish motives and realist views until tender enough to hide their own mistakes from themselves their families and their neighbours, the winners are always those who control the most land and its the few with the biggest crimes behind their belts- but its always justified, because really life is lucifarian.but we pretend the church will save us. maybe the masks will drop when the resourse economy implodes and wipes out pension wealth and everything else.